You are like one of the eight wonders of the world or is that nine wonders of the world.. Well, never mind you get the idea. I read the things you wright on my blogs, and I want you to know that they help me. But while that is happening, that is I am reading them, I tend to wonder who you are. I wonder what your like, I wonder if you are the type of person I could become good friends with, good only knows I need a few right now. No really, I am not a depressive person, even though my blog kind of says I am. Well, I just wanted you to know that I am gratefull for your input Karal. Who ever you are.
Yea, yea, I know its been a long time. Holy moly give me a break guys I'm a 30 year old doing 19 credits at school, 20 hours of work, and at least 10 hours of trying to figure out what the fuck is going on in the world.
I broke a tooth today. Jesus I so feel like I need to stop trying to live. OKay first off, I am going to let you know that I am probably drunk. I know this because I'm sneezing. Yes, sneezing tells me when I am drunk. All the things in the world I could be allergic to there is two I am the most allergic to. Those being dogs, and yeast. Of course there is no booze in the world that doesn't involve yeast in some form. So, when ever I drink I sneeze. I just sneezed about 15 times in a row.
I keep asking my self, "What do I want?" The only thing i can think of, and it's silly and simple, but I never get it is just to have some one to be super close to. I first made this blog so I could let the real me out, but stupidly I told a friend of mine about the blog. Screw it, I don't care, it's been a long time maybe they don't look at this blog anymore. I have these feelings. In fact I have had these feelings as long as I can remember. These feelings affect everything I do in some way. Inside I feel like an emotional person, a person who needs to be able to come out and do the thing she needs to do. The world from a mans point of view is insane, unstable, unpredictable and emotional. The world from a woman's point of view is just the way the world is, and needs to be. I put up this barrier around me at all times. An only child growing up by my self. It was so hard on me that I suffered from major depression so bad I would end up beating on my cat because it didn't want to stay with me and snuggle. What does this say about me? All I ever wanted is what every woman in the world that wants to be a home maker wanted. I want to stay home and take care of the kids. I want to plan what the decerations of the house will look like, I want to be the one who goes shopping for the new carpet. I want to wash the clothes.
I remember when my Grandpa died. Actually more to the point I remember seeing my Grandpa for the last time. I don't know if it was because I couldn't handle it or because I'm a drunk. I was so drunk the last time I saw him, I could barely talk to him. Maybe I just like being sad... Maybe it makes me feel better to be sad, is that possible?
Once again all these strange thoughts on a night of binge drinking. Seing how much I can get drunk before I crawl into the bed with my fiance. Sitting in a quiet room thinking back but not only to back in time but forward also.
Death just won't take me. God.....
God...
Sigh for the first time in 18 or so years I am going to church again, probably with a hang over. (Kind of like my Jury duty on acid). I need to go to bed. Church awaits me. Maybe I will find the thing that I have been needing in church. Even though I didn't find it the first time.
2/2/2006 - Cheddar cheese and the salt on a club cracker
Rum is a very intresting thing. I love rum, it is better than wine. Wine leaves you with a happy warm feeling that while your buzzed out of your mind you tend to think that everything is happy go lucky. I am pretty well intoxicated again. I keep coming back to the question of how I got here. The age of 30 approaches and I'm walking barefooted through a three bedroom apartment in Virginia with a woman who has a five year old daughter. My right ankle snaps like it has always done (could never sneak up on any one with out my shoes on). Maybe I look into the past too much. Oh, god do I hate time, not that I can say that time is my major antagonist but it has never been my friend. Whatever.
I know what your thinking or at least I know what I would be thinking if I was reading my own blog with out knowing me. I would say shut up you little pansy and get over it. I would say something like, "That dude really needs to stop feeling sorry for him self and get his act together." It really makes me think when I step away from my self and look at my life. Where I am, where I have been, how I got here, and where I am going. Pain and life are funny things. When you are in pain it is so fresh and sharp and it is there slapping you in the face. However later on when you look back you can't remember the pain. You just barley remember the girl of your dreams dumping you at the ripe age of 17 but later on when you look back you see it with eyes of wisdom and all you remember is her and how much fun you had at the time. Oh well I promised my self when I decided to write this blog not to get to deep. I am in a good mood, nothing has gone really wrong in the last week or so. Just my impending age progression slapping me in the face every day. Now for the business at hand. I have a treat for you guys. I collected some jokes that I am going to share with you all. Peace.
Phanku
This joke is just corny.
One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds. He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before. Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying here on a cloud.
She spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing. He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before.
She also spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure.
She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud.
"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered. Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed got the best of him. He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar. Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks over to see a 400-pound, 6'8" hairy biker-looking guy with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry.
Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?" The biker answers, "I'm Cess."
This one is sooo wrong but soo funny. It's wrong because it is suppose to be an actual letter to some one.
Dear Sir;
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a more complete explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions, and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.
At approximately the same time however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.
I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.
Beware, you should allways be nice and try to help people. I could see myself doing something like this.
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.
He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.
Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make theguy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as the drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
I made the mistake of reading this one in class, I got shushed by the teacher when I broke out laughing my ass off in class. It was bad.
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls’ parents’ house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!". The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"
So today is January 16, 2006, I laugh at all the people who said the world w So today is January 16, 2006, I laugh at all the people who said the world would end in the year 2000.Hell, I almost bought into it.However, January means that once again my birthday is coming up.
My fiancé and I have been doing good recently which is how do I say?Different.God damn it, I cry every time I think about how much I love her.Why?Okay, breathe.Breathe in the good air and out with the bad.Control the emotions they are evil.I love it that karael andMmenrobuel, not to mention others, have read my blog.(Karael, in some weird sense I actually love you for saying what you said in your last post, it touched me really.)
Back in the days that I used to write my journals I wished for some one to read them, anyone that would care what so ever.It makes me feel good to know that some one is out there.All this current feelings which I totally wanted to write in my blog while I wasn’t in the glum, so to say, while everything was going good.Well I didn’t get time to write anything and now I am kind of in the glum again.See there is something coming, my birthday.I will be 30.
The BIG 30…
OMG, can you believe I made it to 30?Wow, is all I can say.But as I ponder upon this wonder of age accumulation I sit down and look back upon everything that has happen with in my little world.Of course I am drunk.My emotions are so locked up when I am sober that I can’t and don’t know how to express my emotions.When I drink a little (like a 1 liter bottle of Captain Morgan) I tend to be able to express my self a little better.Okay, but I digress, back to the 30 years old thing.What can I say, I am terrified.I mean I know that I am not going to grow wrinkles all of a sudden.But it also means one year closer to my parents dying, which I really fear.(Laugh, if you like reading melodramatic blogs that is the day to be reading my blog)Suicide was that easy way out for me.I never did it because of my discomfort in hurting people.I found a loophole and that was if I put my self into dangerous situations that could end with me dying and it happened then it wasn’t suicide.Long story short, it never happened.I found out that god or who ever it is that is running the universe WON’T let me die.(at this point in time I am drinking rum straight out of the bottle)I have watched many of my friends die doing the same thing I have done.I have seen people with a better life end up with a worse life doing the things I have done.Yet here I do, not know really where I am and not knowing exactly why or how I got to where I am.The big 30.30 years, long are the days of waking up inEllendale, ND and going out on the porch to bask in the early morning light and noticing the young dear playing in the back yard.Life to me was clarified in those few moments.Every one has it wrong the saying should be, “live life like you are going to live forever”.That way you actually stop and take the time to enjoy the stuff that really matters.Next time you wake up I challenge you to take 2 minutes just to look out a window and watch a tree.That all, just look at the tree and how it moves.Do that and think of nothing.
Back to the issue, (swig of rum and a deep breath) 30 years old, I can’t say much about it other than I thought I would never live to see the day.(Laugh I suppose I should get over that now figuring I haven’t tried to discontinue my living status for about 4 years now.)I just feel so uneasy about 30.
Whish me luck.I hope my fiancé throw a birthday party for me or something.Maybe that would make me feel better about it.
P.s. I hope this blog finds Karael and Mmenrobuel it good standings.
Well I need to communicate my emotions. I know I need to because I am here. I have so many I feel, at least when I am drunk like now, that I don't feel very often. I feel sad, angry, frustrated, lonely, and even joyious in someways. But this is not all the emotions I feel. There is too many for me to even begin to describe. I guess I will just have a wonderfull writing session like I usually do. Only this time I am going to do it with my montior shut off so I can sit in the dark. So having told you all that, please ignore any typos you might see.
A bottle of red wine is a very intresting item in this world. It is even more intresting what a bottle of wine does to a person. I am now sipping down the last of the bottle as I write this blog. As I was sipping the wine and looking out the window to the other apartment buildings across the street and paying close attention to the apartment with the party going on I started to suspect that maybe, just maybe, that something has happened to me.
I can't exactly explain how I came to this conclusion. I also can't exactly explain how this thought came about. Maybe it was just seeing the people doing what I want to do, that is destroying my self, while enjoying them selves. I am having such weird thought lately. Thoughts of decisions made past, decisions made recently, things that happened, not to mention the barage of feelings.
God, I am crying now. Why am I crying? Am I sad? Am I happy? Why don't I know? What is this feeling I have while looking at the world? What is it? I feel...
I feel....
Some one was talking to me today.. and for a few seconds during the conversation I tuned him out and all I could think of was how fun it would to be to knock his front teeth out and make him swallow them. The guy didn't say anything to warrant that thought. He was just there. I actually like the guy. I feel....
I feel...
Tonight I had a thought about the .... my .... her...I loved her so much..
Her name was Sarah. The day before she killed her self she asked me to stay with her, to stay with my bride to be. Yes, I know what your thinking at the age of 15 and to be engaged. I loved her and still love her as much as I did the day I didn't stay with her and went home even thought she asked me to stay. The next day when I found out she commited suicide, I think...no.. I know that it was my fault. Strange feeling and thoughts on a cold November night. I think...
How did I end up in Virginia with this woman that sometimes I feel as we belong to each other and then other times I feel like she is my Hitlor in my German world. God why am I crying? Am I scared?.. Fear is a mind killer. I shall let my fear flow though me leaving nothing but my sould behind. More strange thought I want to write down so that maybe some one else could share them with me and feel what ever it is I feel but the thoughts come so fast that my drunken fingers can't keep up. I remember...
Long nights of crying from being so lonely. Holding on tight to what ever I could hold on to while I drank down a big bottle of booze that would hopefully kill the pain. Nights of crying so hard I wanted nothing but to die, nights I missed her so badly I thought I would die. I love...
I love so strongly
I want, no need, crave, beg for
There is something in me...
I am drunk
I am going to bed and chalking this up to just another lonely person in the world screaming out his/her(do women get like this?) voice in the slim chance that some one who cares might read/listen and provide some light(something that helps.. like love or something, anything..).
Strange thoughts on a drunken night of November 19, 2005, the day she died.
So my girlfriend proposed her thesis for her masters today. It went great and everything went okay. Well that is except for our relationship. I don't know. God I am getting tired of this rollercoaster that happens every time she gets stressed out.
Yesterday afternoon I came home from school fully expecting to pick up my GF and then take my car and go to school and pick up her daughter and then take the GF to school for her night class. Well with her thesis coming up she decided to skip her night class. That was fine by me. I needed to study for my CSC200 class that I have a test in tomorrow. So I played a little Everquest 2 and then was about to study when she asked me to listen to her presentation and time her. I did, very patiently I might add, and at the end of it we went and watched some TV. Well she wanted to work on her presentation a little more, which she did tell wee hours in the morning. I went to bed knowing I had to get up early in the morning. She got up before me and was working on her presentation while I was getting ready to go to school. That is where this day from hell started. I didn't do anything out of the normal but according to her I was distracting and annoying. She actually stopped and waited for me to leave the apartment. Then my day went well, I had no problems what so ever with my day all the while I was dreading going home. Laugh, she told me that once before she got a divorce from her ex husband that she would go to school as an undergrad and when the day was over she would do anything to avoid going home because she hated her husband that much. Suddenly I know how that feels... I love her but I hate days like this.
Well I got home today and it was no better. Just hell, she hadn't eaten all day which makes her really fucking crabby. Then I came home and I will admit that I hadn't written my work schedule down for the last two weeks (thought about doing it a lot but never did), well she asked me when I work. I had to answer her that I hadn't gotten my schedule yet. That just made me a moron, an idiot and irresponsible and that we are done with. Then after that she tells me that she is tired because she didn't get much sleep, has a headache and threw up this morning. I almost lost it again. I haven’t felt my temper in along time. My true temper. I saw the fear in her eyes when I did almost lose it, that fear was what I felt inside of me knowing if I don't control my temper I could lose her.... I scared her. I love her so much. I want to do everything and anything for her. I don't want to lose her. I traveled 1500 miles, gave up all my friends, my family, and everything I know to be with her. We have been through a lot, I don't want this to end over something stupid like not getting my work schedule. I promise I will get my work schedule from this day forward. Man....
Well so she took the news pretty well. I guess I should of taken in account the fact that she has allways wanted me to get a better higher paying job anyways. So, shrug. She asked if I have a job yet, and I told her yes. Sigh. What ever.
I am tired, another thing avoid for now. Wait tell I actually lose my job. Then I will see the shit hit the fan. I think I will have to check out echo star.
What ever in the mean time. For all of you out there that have a webcamera, you all should check out Ivisit.
Remember people www.hsx.com sign up for it I need hsx dollars.
The old saying, when it rains it pours? I know you have heard it, we have all heard it and even have applied the old saying to certain bad days we have had in the past or in my case currently having.
So here I am at home. This is a great thing to be home, however I wish I was at home under different circumstances. I just got sent home from my job at Wal-Mart because I received a D-Day. Which is a nice way of saying a decision day which is a day that wall mart sends you home with pay (of course they picked the day I only work 4 hours) to let you think about how you need to straighten out your act at work and weather or not you want your job. Then you have to come back the next time you work and tell them what you are going to do to improve and why you want to keep your job. They gave me my D-day because of my attendance, however it was because of my verbal couching that I received because of that lady who ran into my carts with her car and because of the writen couching I got from that Fat little underage bitch hurting her hand and then going to management about it saying I did it on purpose. So I came in today. I got ready and was walking out to the lot to start working and have a good day. Every thing started to feel right again with the day. I had felt something coming all day and thought I had some how managed to dodge it. Then I get told to go and see Jean the front end manager. I knew something was up. But I digress, so here I am letting my feeling out on this blog before my girlfriend gets home. This is the part that has me scared. She doesn't know yet. She is off with her daughter at swimming lessons and is getting out right now and should be home in 15 minutes. I then get to tell her about why I am home. If you were reading up on my blog you will know why this makes me sad, nervous, just feeling sick to my stomach. Another day..
God I want to cry.
I love my family, I love her, I love her child, I love my education. I just feel like I am failing at everything. This is how it starts. Then everything is downhill from here. My left foot has slipped off the edge of the cliff, only my right foot is holding ground and I am grabbing for anything to hold on. Please God. Please some one.. Please..have mercy. Please.. Let everything be okay when she gets home. The job is no big deal. Sigh.
Why is it that when some women in the world want to buy something it is okay for them to go and buy something with out even thinking about it. It is okay for them to make that purchase or purchases with out even having so much as a little thought about what their significant other is going to think. But now if that significant other so much as says, "Hey I need to buy a pair of shoes because all I have is sandals and it is getting close to winter.", the women flip out. Well okay I will admit that I don't make as much money as her, and I will admit that I did crash my car and that all of my student loans this semester are going towards fixing the car..or wait I should say the next two semesters. I will admit that yes it was bad of me to have an accident. But that is why you call them accidents, they are not planed. So finally I got her to fork out 1k dollars from the bank account that the student loans and my paychecks go into so I could start paying back my mother, who lovingly covered the costs for fixing the car until we got the money to pay her back. But then it was like you don't need shoes. Your expense compared to your income doesn’t warrant you to get shoes. You have your work shoes and work boots to wear, wear those to school. I said, "You mean the work shoes that hurt my feet and the work boots that give me blisters? The ones that I still wear at work, switching back and forth trying to figure out which one is the lesser of the two evils, just so we don't have to buy me a different pair of work footwear just so I can get a pair of shoes to wear during winter. (My shoes, the shoe laces are held together with first aid tape, my boots I wear first aid tape on my toes to stop them from blistering.)... But I guess that it is okay. So here I am in school wearing my work boots, the Tips of the shoe laces have first aid tape on them..lol. Sigh.. If it makes her happy I will do it I guess.
Okay who of you all likes movies? I know most of you have to like movies.. Well I am going to use my blog here to do a quick plug for a website that I have been going to for over 2 years now. It is called Hollywood Stock Exchange or HSX for short. I love this website. You start out with 2 million HSX dollars to invest into the movie that you think will be popular in real life. So please check it out and if you do decide to join up for a free account remember to put Phanku down as a reference so i can get an extra 50k hsx dollars.
Have you ever known that there is a very big storm coming? One of those storms that is so big that it makes the ground and your insides quake just from aura around it? You don't know how it will turn out. All you can do is grit your feet down, tie your self to something solid and hope for the best. Well if any of you that deem me worthy enough to read my blog and have had "the not so in-laws" coming over you know exactly what I am feeling.
I have been cleaning the apartment now for the last day and tomorrow I am going to borrow the upstairs neighbor’s carpet washer and do the carpets. I can only hope that when my fiancé’s mother and sister get here that everything will go smooth. Her sister and I have never really seen eye to eye, she believes that she is miss thing and can pick on any one she likes and no one can retaliate. Basically, in my opinion, a just recently 15 year old spoiled teenage drama queen with an attitude. I believe in having self esteem, sticking up for your self, not letting people walk over you, and every one is equal. So needless to say right now her sister and I don't see eye to eye on many things, in fact at most we tolerate each other.
The last time I was with her parents (luckily the father isn't coming along this time, however that makes 4 women in the house with me as the only male) I will admit the last time went pretty well, but I had to take a few shots from her sister with out saying anything to keep the peace. I know better now because one time I made her cry by saying something when she insulted me in front of her friends. I knew she was just showing off for them but I am not one to just bend over and take so I said something and the next thing I knew she was crying. I didn't think what I said was that horrible but miss thing and her unstable 14 year old (at the time) female emotions took it as so and got me in deep trouble with my woman and her parents. Of course this was her ticket to making me a free target for her and her friends now. Whatever. Well I will let you know how it goes, after they are here for I believe 5 days and do some massive shopping (which they always do, and then my woman complains about money later). Do I love this woman to put up with all the crap I put up with? What do you all think?
Okay well everything turned out fine with the cell phone. I managed to get the cell company to change over my service to her old cell phone for free. So when I came home and told her that she was like yea whatever glad it didn't cost money this time and don't fuck up again. I love the logic.
Prime example of the logic by women..
"Honey while I am in the shower can you try to hang some of these clothes up that I took out of the dryer last night and didn't hang them up my self then because I don't want them to get wrinkly and they already are."
Okay, so I lost my clip on sunglasses for my regular glasses.. It cost 26 dollars to reorder them and no sooner have i done that and started using them. My woman washes my cell phone. Now I havn't told her yet. I am thinking of not telling her that she washed it. Because it will be my fault that the cell phone was in my shorts when i threw them into the laundry room... Not ever saying anything about the person who is doing the washing should check the pockets before they wash stuff. And I think she knew about it.. because she asked me to take the stuff out of the dryer and put the stuff in the washer into the dryer.. Hence me finding my shorts and my cell phone washed. I think she relized that she had washed it when I got home and she had told me that she had called me and I had told her I left my phone at home by accident. .... Fuck... She will be so fucking pissed off at me for this.. She was mad at me for the glasses thing.. I am getting so tired of this bull shit. I mean fuck.. it is not a one way street damn it. *sigh* I hope the phone works by morning.. I think the battery is shot tho.. it had juice and was on the phone when it went into the wash. There is blue shit on all the power connections.. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.. I was irresponsible for losing my clip on glasses.
I just told her and I quote, "It is not my responsiblity to check clothes that are in the laundry room before i put them into the washer.. you fucked up again."
What can I say about this?Have you ever been so lonely that you would do anything for some one to spend time with you?I have.The idea that there is some one out there that is perfect for you.Some one that you will always trust, want to spend every minute you can with them and they will try to spend all the time with you as they can, will know how you’re feeling while you don’t have to guess how they are feeling, won’t tell you that you are stupid or have stupid ideas because you would never say that about them, have the ever lasting love for you no matter how much you mess up because you would do the same for them, and always only have eyes for you.This person of course would excite you physically as well as mentally. There is much more to this perfect love that would take many pages of writing to even begin to describe it, but you get the idea.
I know the world and relationships are never perfect.I know that people fight, especially people who are extremely close to each other.I know all of this, but in the end, the bottom line, those who are truly in love or those who are your “true love” probably feeling an amnesty towards the other person even after the big fight.At least that is how I understand it should be.Maybe I am crazy.
Have you found your true person?What are your relationships like?
Okay so I didn’t really study as much as I probably should of for my English exam.Okay so I also didn’t really study as much as I probably should of for my Computer Science Class 200 exam.I didn’t think however that my English teacher would want details about some revolution 400 years ago because I thought this was an English class not a history class.I thought that a Computer Science Class would teach you useful information about computers not about who made the first computer 1000 some years ago.This is just the start of my day.Okay so now I know not to work extremely hard at my job because only slackers are rewarded.Okay so now I know not to let some little extremely FAT underage whiny girl work with me because if she *gets hurt* I get written up for it because she is the one sticking her fat chubby hands where they don’t belong.Okay I know that the classes are my own doing but seriously I am doing my job and this girl comes out and wants to help me even though I didn’t ask for her help.She sticks her hand where it doesn’t belong because she isn’t paying attention to what she is doing and I get the write up.I was so mad after talking with the manager for 40 minutes that on my way home I had the top of my Firebird down and I was screaming at the top of my lungs all the things I wanted to say to the manager, my lazy ass co-workers, and that little fat girl.Sigh..
Take a breath, close my eyes, listen to the wind….
Find my center, let the anger flow through you and out of you.
Use it to fuel what you need to do…Remember it later when you quit your job.
Breath deeper….
Do what I need..
Find my center, let the anger flow out through you on to the paper.
Close my eyes, listen to the silence and dream of being someplace that makes me happy.
And slowly the world taketh me into it's insanity.
To school or not to school that is the question.So here I am writing on this blog because I am so nervous about taking my first exam in English 243 and I am procrastinating on studying.
The Middle Ages.
No man may indeed become wise before he has had his share of winters in this world’s kingdom.The wise man must be patient, must never be too hearted, nor too hasty of speech, nor too fearful, nor too glad, nor too greedy for wealth, nor ever too eager to boast before he has thought clearly.
Have you ever felt like you are sitting on the out side of a bubble that has a wonderful world just waiting for you if only you could get in to visit? The beginning of that feeling for me started one day in high school as I was patiently waiting for my turn to attempt to turn the group conversation towards something I would like to talk about. Then it hit me like a brick that I have never fit in. Only small times with very select few have I ever truly fit in to the group at hand. That was the day that started my trend of watching people. Watching complete their actions like the automatons that I have come to think of them some times. I would see how long I could hold still and see how long I could become invisible. All the while watching them trying to understand them so I can try to fit in better, fourteen years later I still don't fit in, I have long given up on my attempt to analyze them in my poor attempt to make my self acceptable. What do you think?
Time is defined as the measurement of movement. Hence that is why no one has figured out how to stop it yet. Try to stop the movement of the universe. Another thing that is hard to stop is people. From birth they strive to be the excellence to be on the top and to obtain that nirvana that had been spoken of in books.That priceless place that you, I, and we all seek now comes with a price; the excellence comes with a price.In the world we are told to follow the golden rule, remember the commandments, respect thy neighbor, and wish good upon my fellow man. Now in the real world, it’s a dog eat dog world, don’t trust strangers, watch your back, and never forget Murphy’s Law.Does the sayings make the people?It only takes one bad apple?I have lost my belief and faith in humans.I have lost the ideal that there is some one out there for me who just on a slight chance might actually be the person for me let alone any one who would actually do good if they had the choice.You find 20,000 dollars on the side of the road, do you return it or keep it?
First there is the world. The world is a busy place. People go to and from what ever it is that they are doing very fast because they believe it is important to something that should be the greater good. At least that is what the ego maniacs will say when you ask them why they are in such a hurry to go to that some place to do that some thing that they think is very important. So many pieces of literature, history, art, and personal lives tell every one that in the end on a very one on one world that we are nothing but the sum of our memories and actions. One person once told me that religion is nothing but a way for one to deal with his/her own mortality. In the end is it a good thing?I mean the gentlemen that created the A Bomb, in the end do you think when they were lying on their death bed they said, “Hey that was a good thing!”?Creating new life is a great thing, I think.I don’t know anymore.The longer I live the more I think that I just want this life, my life, to end.I try to be a good person; I try to be a good father, lover, boyfriend, friend, son, and grandson.In the end though I end up doing what I believe most people want to do, be greedy.Maybe my look out on life is just a jumble of my own misgivings, just a collection of my own failings and disappointments.So when I try to do something that I believe is in good intentions I end up only messing up what I had a good thing of.At least I am not one of those people who want to change the world.Not saying that is a bad thing or a good thing, just saying at least if I was one of those people I would probably screw it up.
