So today is January 16, 2006, I laugh at all the people who said the world w So today is January 16, 2006, I laugh at all the people who said the world would end in the year 2000.  Hell, I almost bought into it.  However, January means that once again my birthday is coming up. 

      My fiancé and I have been doing good recently which is how do I say?   Different.  God damn it, I cry every time I think about how much I love her.  Why?  Okay, breathe.  Breathe in the good air and out with the bad.  Control the emotions they are evil.  I love it that karael and  Mmenrobuel, not to mention others, have read my blog.  (Karael, in some weird sense I actually love you for saying what you said in your last post, it touched me really.)

      Back in the days that I used to write my journals I wished for some one to read them, anyone that would care what so ever.  It makes me feel good to know that some one is out there.  All this current feelings which I totally wanted to write in my blog while I wasn’t in the glum, so to say, while everything was going good.  Well I didn’t get time to write anything and now I am kind of in the glum again.  See there is something coming, my birthday.  I will be 30.

The BIG 30…

OMG, can you believe I made it to 30?   Wow, is all I can say.  But as I ponder upon this wonder of age accumulation I sit down and look back upon everything that has happen with in my little world.  Of course I am drunk.  My emotions are so locked up when I am sober that I can’t and don’t know how to express my emotions.  When I drink a little (like a 1 liter bottle of Captain Morgan) I tend to be able to express my self a little better.  Okay, but I digress, back to the 30 years old thing.  What can I say, I am terrified.  I mean I know that I am not going to grow wrinkles all of a sudden.  But it also means one year closer to my parents dying, which I really fear.   (Laugh, if you like reading melodramatic blogs that is the day to be reading my blog)  Suicide was that easy way out for me.   I never did it because of my discomfort in hurting people.  I found a loophole and that was if I put my self into dangerous situations that could end with me dying and it happened then it wasn’t suicide.  Long story short, it never happened.  I found out that god or who ever it is that is running the universe WON’T let me die.  (at this point in time I am drinking rum straight out of the bottle)  I have watched many of my friends die doing the same thing I have done.  I have seen people with a better life end up with a worse life doing the things I have done.  Yet here I do, not know really where I am and not knowing exactly why or how I got to where I am.  The big 30.  30 years, long are the days of waking up in  Ellendale, ND and going out on the porch to bask in the early morning light and noticing the young dear playing in the back yard.  Life to me was clarified in those few moments.  Every one has it wrong the saying should be, “live life like you are going to live forever”.  That way you actually stop and take the time to enjoy the stuff that really matters.  Next time you wake up I challenge you to take 2 minutes just to look out a window and watch a tree.  That all, just look at the tree and how it moves.  Do that and think of nothing. 

      Back to the issue, (swig of rum and a deep breath) 30 years old, I can’t say much about it other than I thought I would never live to see the day.  (Laugh I suppose I should get over that now figuring I haven’t tried to discontinue my living status for about 4 years now.)  I just feel so uneasy about 30. 

Whish me luck.  I hope my fiancé throw a birthday party for me or something.  Maybe that would make me feel better about it.

P.s. I hope this blog finds Karael and Mmenrobuel it good standings. 

Phanku