It's been a while

Posted on 8/21/2006 at 5:33 PM - 0 Comments - Post Comment - Link

Wow... rereading my blog has left me feeling very detached from myself. Who was that person? Who the hell am I now?

I've lost 115 pounds. I don't need to lose any more, but have about 10 pounds plus of excess skin that needs to be removed and a couple pounds of "perma-fat" to have lypo'd (that's what the plastic surgeon called it... perma-fat).

But that will cost $18,000 so I'm not in a big rush. I look fantastic in my clothes and since that is the way everyone but one sees me, I figure I'm good. I do, however, look like a freak naked. What's that wrinkly dog... Sharpe? That's me...

My life is so different. I'm different. Life is easier, while I'm more difficult. My career has skyrocketed, yet I struggle to be as good a leader as I used to be. Men like me more, but women are as weird as I always knew they were and I have to work so hard to earn their trust now. My husband has recently pointed out that I've become the type of woman he's never liked (vain, confident, demanding).

I am  more vain, definitely. And my confidence has increased, although I've never struggled with confidence in most areas of my life. I don't think I'm more demanding, but perhaps I am.

Most days I'm cool with how much easier my life is now. Even pleased with it. Ocassionally I'm mildly amused with what a big difference my new appearance has made. And once, but only once, I was down-right pissed off about being treated differently. But that was a weak moment as I try to never be upset by things beyond my control.

Even the difference between now and 50 pounds ago is amazing, and I was amazed 50 pounds ago. And I'm 30 days away from the anniversary of my surgery. What a weird year.

This blog entry is not my best. I know that. I'm tired from working too much. I'm worried about my new nephew born yesterday but in NICU with breathing difficulties. I'm trying to figure out if I'm happier, not happier or just different. I struggle with being severely anemic, which is a common side effect of my surgery. And I'm dealing with the fact that I hit a deer on the highway last week and need to get my precious car fixed.

So today I'd have to assess the situation as this... same shit, different body. But I promise to write more often and soon I'll be writing on a day when I figure my life is better than I could have ever hoped, which is most days I suspect.

I do know I'm about the most blessed person alive. And I am grateful.

My New Passion

Posted on 3/10/2006 at 1:17 PM - 3 Comments - Post Comment - Link

I'm a very passionate person. Anything I do, I do with significant UMPH. All or nothing, baby!

Along the way, I've discovered that I'm especially passionate about a few things:

- My family, of course. More specifically, being the advocate for my boy and a role model for my daughter.

- Leading. Not work, as work can be just a job. But the leading aspect has fueled a passion in me for the past 6 years or so. If I'm not leading, I'm not fulfilled. Although I can follow if I believe in the leader.

- Women's enlightenment is a passion that flairs and wanes. Most of the time I am passionate about sharing my secrets of success with women. But all too often I become so frustrated with the gender that it's all I can do to simply exist with them.

But I have a new passion. ACTING.

I've always been a performer and need to be the centre of attention on a regular basis (not all the time though). Comedy is my natural forte, but I know I can do more than that.

A few months ago I took a chance and auditioned for our community theatre's next play, Steel Magnolias. I generally avoid situations where I'm not pretty darned confident I'll succeed. So this was very near the outer edge of my my comfort zone. And low and behold, I was cast as Ouiser, a 66 year old grumpy woman who spends her days wondering how on earth she will ever survive the fools around her. While I am rarely grumpy, I can totally relate to her frustration.

The role is small, but as with many comedies, the small role steals the show.

We have a brutal rehearsal schedule... 7 days a week, 4-5 hours each day. And I love every single minute of it! Even when Sir is yelling at us. Sir is our director. He's a genius and he's dying. This is his swan song and he wants it to be his best work.

The cast is special group. Now, as hard as I work at it, I find myself intolerant of some things. And as this cast is all women, it can be especially intolerable at times. Out of the 5 other actors in the cast, 2 I adore and consider my new good friends. 2 drive me batty. 1 is only 15 and a total sweetie, but I doubt we will keep any kind of relationship after this. But as long as I arrive at the last minute, go right on stage and avoid the pre-rehearsal hen party, I have the BEST time.

Right from the beginning Sir told us all that we were exceptionally good for amateurs. He warned us that this might not be a good thing, because he will only accept excellence now that he knows we are capable of it.

He's frustrated with one of us that isn't as good as the rest and spends a lot of time coaching her. And he badgers 2 others relentlessly about specific things they do (bad accent, weird physical nervous twitches). Young Annelle is perfect and will be a professional one day. One can't remember her lines and gets some grief. But he'd never really commented on my performance. After we do a scene, we sit for "Director's Notes" and rarely does Ouiser have any. I was called "Director's Pet" a few times because I always seemed to escape his wrath.

But I was finding it a bit frustrating because I want to do the best job possible. I would be mortified if I gave a bad performance. I've told him specifically "Sir! Make me great!". He laughed (it was scary) and made a silly comment about greatness. I knew I was doing a pretty good job. I always know my lines and blocking, have the accent down pat and the other ladies always say how funny I am on stage. But until I could hear Sir tell me I was acceptable, I couldn't rest.

So about 3 weeks ago, during Director's Notes I finally asked if there was anything I could be doing better. And the man who doesn't like to give compliments and would rather die than give a false one, says "For Godsake Shona, you're better than Shirley MacLaine was in the movie. I don't know why you didn't do this professionally. Quit being so needy." Only Sir will give you shit while giving you a compliment.

Well, after that, my budding passion became full-blown, ego-driven and unstopable. I set out to be the best Ouiser to ever step on stage. I endured Sir's annoyance as I insisted he give me homework and taught me acting techniques. I softened him up a bit with little touches that he really liked. And as he grows to love me, I am able to get him to spend a few minutes every night giving me tips.

Last night, after Act II, Scene I, Sir stood up with tears in his eyes and applauded for 3 minutes straight. Standing is not easy for him as he is very ill. And applause with tears in his eyes would never come unearned.

After we all stopped crying (ok, I didn't cry but I was moved) he told us that we were as good as any professionals he had directed (and he was a professional for years). He gave us each one compliment. Mine was "Brilliant, Shona. Simply brilliant. Your best work so far." as he held eye contact and put his hand on mine. (I'm tiny and brilliant now.)

I can not wait to do it in front of an audience. While the other 5 cluck and fuss about how nervous they are and how scared they are of doing it in front of an audience, I clap and jump up and down saying "I can't wait!!!"

I try to not spend much time considering regrets, but I have to admit I wish I had started this new hobby sooner. I love it so much and apparently I'm pretty good at it. I wonder if I have the energy to make this a more serious past time. I do plan on retiring in 5 years... perhaps it will be my next career.

I am truly one of the most blessed people on earth. Even though my life was great before, it continues to gets even better. I have fun, purpose, passion, love and excitement in my life.

And I'm brilliant.

Men - Gotta love 'em

Posted on 3/8/2006 at 9:56 AM - 2 Comments - Post Comment - Link

I've lost over 85 pounds. Only 10 more to lose, then the plastic surgery which will remove another 15 pounds of skin and fat. I wonder of the boob implants will weigh much...

Things in Shona's world are... you know, the only word that really works for me these days is "surreal". It's like I'm living someone else's life. But not really, because it's the life I've always wanted, and really, thought I had.

Every single area of my life is improved. I know it's mostly because of my attitude and behaviour, but I can not deny how much easier it is to succeed in this world when you are seen as "attractive" by others.

As a fat person, I was fairly well received. I have a bubbly, outgoing personality that puts people at ease. I'm funny and smart so even those that initially discounted me for my size became to appreciate me. My flirty ways and natural sensuality even made men grow to appreciate me after they knew me for a while. Women tolerated me because I wasn't a threat to them with their men. Plus I was one of those fatties about which people would say "She has such a pretty face. If only she lost some weight".

Being heavy didn't seem to stand in the way of my success. I went from Secretary to COO in 3 years, earning a 6-figure salary and bonuses bigger than a secretary's entire annual earnings. I had lots of friends and a great family, so I was clearly successful. But there was so much more to come.

I want to share some recent experiences with you.

The Handsome Insurance Rep. Last week I met with one of our providers. I've known Kent for years, but hadn't seen him since before the surgery. Kent is gorgeous and has always played up his advantage. For years he's been greeting me with a handshake and a kiss on the cheek, figuring his good looks and charm will work wonders with this 40-something chubby. I enjoyed the flirtation, but am not nearly shallow enough to be swayed by his approach. But I let him think what he needed to think as I negotiated our share of the premium (tripled our share and he still reminds me of the grief he got from his boss).

Kent was coming for a long overdue visit. We talk onthe phone and by email very regularly since I had given him my new company's business. He walked up to me as I stood at the counter. He smiled his extremely handsome smile and said "Hi! I'm here to see Shona." I smiled and said "Hey Kent!"

He recognized my voice and I wish I could have been video taping his face. In a split second I saw shock, confusion and I think, fear! He quickly regained his composure and I came around the counter to shake his hand. I didn't get a kiss this time. In fact, he spent our entire meeting seeming nervous and awkward. At one point I laughed and said "Kent, it's still me. Why are you being so weird?" He avoided eye contact and said "I just had no idea..."

After our meeting, I had to leave for a lunch meeting. My co-worker (and long time best friend) Ray and Kent stayed to work out some details of the new business. When I returned, Kent had left and Ray said "Shona, I'm so sorry for not noticing how thin you've become. I guess I just never thought of you any other way but beautiful." (see why he's my best friend?) "But Kent's comments reminded me of how much you've changed and I want to apologize for not telling you every day how great  you look." I told him that was the best compliment EVER.

Three times in the last 2 weeks, people I have known for years but not seen for months have said "I didn't recognize you"! and I liked it.

My Mentor. I have talked frequently about my last boss and how he changed my life. He was the one that saw potential in me and gave me opportunities no one ever had before. Of course, he was a smart man and his faith in me made him VERY rich. For the 42 months I ran his company, the profits increased steadily to over $1.8 million per month. Then he sold it for $50million.

Anyway, I've stayed in close contact with Tim since the sale and our relationship has grown to be a wonderful friendship. But we had a 90 day stretch where he didn't see me in person. Last Wednesday I dropped by his office unexpectedly for a visit. I confess that I was there in person to show off my new shape, as we could have caught up on the phone.

Tim is a very unusual man and I can rely on him to have unusual responses. I walked into his office, did a little twirl and said something silly. Tim stood up from his desk and walked around me in a circle - twice! And I heard it for the second time that week "I had no idea!" I laughed and said "Of what?"

He said "I had no idea you were so tiny! Look at you. A Fart in a Mitt. Your head looks bigger." LMAO! Big head? Then he sat down, did his weird and wonderful deep eye contact and said "So, is it different now?" and we proceeded to babble for the next hour about how different things are for me now.

I can always count on him for insight. He said "How do you feel about the way men are treating you now?" I kept it light and laughed about actually getting checked out. But he was determined to have a serious conversation and said "You are going to have a harder time now. You are extremely intimidating now that you are the whole package. I mean, you were intimidating enough just being smart, funny and poweful. Now you're too much. I'm scared of you."

I would be so sad if our relationship went backwards and I told him that. I reminded him that I am literally going to be "the woman Tim built" after the plastic surgery because money he had given me after the sale was going to pay for it. I already attribute my attitude and success to his teachings, so I am what he made me.

He promised to work hard to not change the way he acted around me. Then he flirted with me for the first time ever! I called him on it and he blushed so red I thought his face was going to burst. Then, just because I'm a monster, I stood up, put my hands on his desk and leaned over enough to show a little cleavage, and said "You can flirt with me any time." I winked and walked away. I hope he watched my ass as I left.

Vanity? Of all the things that have happened as a result of weight loss, I chose to share men's reactions today. Why? Mostly because I'm so surprised with how it makes me feel.

Like Tim, I don't have typical thought patterns. I think that's why we get along so well. We are both weird and people don't really know what to make of us.

I always knew that men would treat me differently thin. And I've shared in this blog that I was worried it would piss me off. But it doesn't piss me off. I like it. I like it for two reasons.

First, of course, because I love the positive attention. Who doesn't like to be told they are beautiful? Of course, I've always felt fairly beautiful, but now I'm TINY! They actually say that word! TINY! (sorry - got excited there). I have become quite vain and no longer leave the house without heels and make-up. I can't wait to have my surgery and see how people react to me then.

But better than the huge ego boost is the power I feel. I always assumed I would respond to comments on my weight loss with a fake smile and total distain. But actually the smile is real and I feel powerful.

My secret identity is still quite secret. But now instead of the cute, funny, round woman that becomes the no-nonsense, head-chopping executive in the boardroom, I'm the cute, funny, sexy woman who becomes that same monster when going after something I want.

You need a secret weapon when you are in business.

Men of the world, you do not disappoint. You are even easier to manipulate now than ever. But I promise to use my power only for good. Unless you piss me off.

Grumpy, Dammit!

Posted on 1/30/2006 at 12:55 PM - 0 Comments - Post Comment - Link

I woke up grouchy yesterday. I was facing a day that wasn't appealing and I decided to just be grouchy.

I ignored my gratitude card. I looked at myself in the mirror and said "you just go ahead and be miserable". I made coffee the way I like it (2 extra scoops) and DARED anyone to say anything about it.

I took my coffee back to bed, cursing the bathroom for needing cleaning on the way past. I grumbled an answer to my husband's cautious queery as to my mood. I swear if we had a cat, I'd'a kicked it.

I spent the next hour watching the the brutally edited "Bad Boys" on TV and just being miserable. I even ignored my sister's call because I just didn't wanna talk to her.

I was starting to wonder if my mammoth efforts to stay positive and happy were worth it. This was the first day in ages where I'd been up for 3 hours and didn't give one moment's consideration to everyone else's feelings. It was nice to wallow in my misery.

Wasn't it?

I mean, it's a lot of work to be happy.

Ok, so I had a bit of a headache now that I didn't have when I woke up.

And it was hard not to notice how much deeper the wrinkles on my forehead are when I scowl.

Plus, I just kept forgetting to be grumpy. Caught myself laughing twice and sending good thoughts to a friend that had been struggling with a personal issue.

By the time the second cup of coffee was gone, I was so over being grumpy.

But I should add that the 2nd cup of was brought in by a very friendly husband, clearly worried that the world was ending. Obviously there are some benefits to the ocassional grumpy morning.

As I sat there realizing that I was no longer grouchy, I came to an understanding that it's ok to let myself by grouchy if that seemed like the thing to do. And an even bigger realization that I'm really glad I'm not grouchy a lot.

So I went out to the kitchen, made a fresh (weak) pot of coffee, cleaned the bathroom and called my sister. I faced my day with the understanding that I can do whatever the hell I want, as grumpy as I want.

But that it will give me wrinkles on my forehead.

Perky Alert

Posted on 1/27/2006 at 2:06 PM - 0 Comments - Post Comment - Link

I am frequently accused of being just too damned cheerful. At least once a week, some stranger on the phone will say "Wow! You sound happy" or some such comment. I typically reply "Well, it was one of the options I had when I got up this morning." I say it like a cheery ditz, but more times than not there is a thoughtful pause or a comment about that attitude on the other end. Mission accomplished.

Why do I make being cheery such a priority? There are a lot of reasons, but here are a few:

1. It makes other people feel better. In sales, making the other person feel good is more important than anything else.

2. I genuinely feel cheery most times; and

3. I do not want to burden others with my problems.

I know it's incredibly dorky, but I try to live by the Golden Rule. And in doing so, find that I simply MUST remain cheerful. I believe that unless I know you personally, there is only one answer to "How are you" and that is "Great, thanks. How are YOU?" (or some such answer), whether I'm asking or being asked.

When I ask Suzy across the counter "Hi, how are you?" I really don't care how she is. And I have walked away way more than once when I received an answer I deem unacceptable. Recently I stood in line for way too long only to have a grumpy teller respond to my greeting with "Don't ask" while she avoided eye contact and checked her watch.

I smiled sweetly, put my business back in my purse and said, loudly enough for all around to hear, "Then perhaps I'll come back when you are up to doing your job. Have a nice day." And I walked away. Why did I do that? Mostly to embarrass her, but in some small way to show her that her behaviour is having a negative impact on people she encounters. And I don't appreciate that.

Being cheerful is not the same as being kind. And while I do make a big effort to be kind, I feel no obligation to cover up my disappointment when another human being does not behave as they should. Particularly when that other person is providing a service that I am paying for and/or for which they are being paid.

Being cheerful works, but when you combine cheeriness with a clear outline of your expections, you will disappointed less frequently. Another experience I can relay:

My son went through a phase of buying decorative swords. He would save his pennies and shell them out for overpriced junk made in China. One store in particular had received over $300 of his money, for product that was most likely marked up 1000%. One of these items literally fell apart when he opened the packaging. I went back to the store, stood beside the "no refunds" sign, put on my most cheerful attitude and explained to the girl what had happened and that we would like to exchange the product for one that wasn't defective. The minimum-wage clerk looked very concerned and explained that they couldn't possibly know that Max didn't break it with rough handling.

Again with a smile, but with a tone that relayed my confidence, I said "Could you please go and ask your Manager if we could exchange this? Explain to her that my little boy has spent a lot of his allowance here, so the only answer I will accept is NO PROBLEM MA'AM."

She was stunned, but I continued to smile adding a little shrug and eyebrow lift. "Go on" I encouraged...

It only took about 2 minutes for her to come back, look me right in the eye and say with her own lovely smile "No problem, ma'am". I thanked her, told her how much we appreciated it and showed it by spending another $50. Win/win.

I will leave you with the brutal truth, as this blog is all about me being honest and ugly...

I am cheerful because it benefits ME. I know when I treat others well, I benefit professionally and personally. It also makes me feel better (fake it until it's real). And maybe, most of all, it allows me to live my life with this superiority I feel when I am able to control my environment better than most.

Have a nice day!

The Best Part So Far

Posted on 1/26/2006 at 9:28 AM - 0 Comments - Post Comment - Link

Surely this is the most transitional period of my life.

New job.

New body.

New friends.

New mom-role.

And that's what I want to talk about today. How much I love being the mom of grown-ups.

My daughter was born first. She was one of those kids who seemed so much older than their years. You've heard parents say when asked how old little darlin' is "three going on 21"? That was my Erika.

I was a very lucky first-time mom. She was an easy baby, charming toddler, good student. We had next to no trouble with her as a teenager, which my mom still points out I didn't deserve. We had some issues of course. It's a law as mother-daughter to have some power struggles.

After high school she chose not to go to university, and as a working adult did what all should do: she moved out on her own. Until the boyfriend came along, we talked and saw each other often. And while the nightly phone calls have stopped and she doesn't come home much, we remain close. Our relationship has grown into a very nice, mature friendship and we genuinely enjoy each other's company.

In summary, she is still a joy to have as a daughter and I will be forever grateful and proud.

The Boy was born 3 years after Erika and as I've said before, was the absolute opposite experience. But for 18 years I felt I understood my purpose on this planet: to be Max's advocate. I took the role seriously (particularly the "martyr" part) and was proud of the young man that moved out last September.

Erika claims Max is my favorite. Max claims Erika is their Dad's favorite. I maintain that while most parents do not have more love for one child than another, often they will find themselves "relating" better to one. And that is the case in our family. As a family with a high-needs kid, the "good" kid gets less of Mom's attention, but benefits from being Dad's little pal. The difficult kid gets a lot more individual attention, but also is often the target of the incredible frustration and emotion that comes with challenging situations.

And in the end, Max and I are extremely close. And we see him quite a bit. As most 18 year old males, he is constantly foraging for food. Free food to be specific. So he manages to show up at meal time 3 or 4 times a week. And it's so very enoyable.

Max has become highly empathetic. This causes him some discomfort for some reason. Recently I witnessed him show a mere acquaintance extreme thoughtfullness and felt compelled to comment on it. I told him how proud I was that he was so sensitive to others needs. Not only does he recognize quickly what would make the other person feel better (rare), but he most times acts upon it (perhaps even more rare).

His response to his mother's clucking and fussing? "I know! And it pisses me off! Why can't I just be the asshole I want to be?" Turns out his difficult childhood has left him especially keen to other's discomfort, causing him to act like a total dork (his words, not mine). I point out that he also has every female that knows him telling him how adorable he is, which he does agree is a nice benefit.

Today I am having lunch with Erika. After lunch we are going to stop by her favorite tattoo shop and book appointments and look through the flash. I'm getting my second and this will be her 9th. She is truly one of the coolest people I know.

I do not believe in luck, so to speak. So I can't say I feel lucky to have such great kids. I also know that sometimes we get more than we deserve and for that I am grateful. But mostly this new phase of mothering supports my overall philosophy... You get back what you put out.

And while I was far from perfect as a mother, I put my heart and sole into raising my children. There were moments of doubt and fear, but for the most part I believed things would work out. I believed that if I did my job, both of my children would come out the other end of the school experience whole and happy. And I never put my children's well-being second to my own comfort zone (which I see constantly and loath).

I know it is so early in their lives to claim they are happy and successful, but I know one thing: Being their Mom is an honour and a joy.

Be happy. Or not.

Posted on 1/25/2006 at 10:40 AM - 0 Comments - Post Comment - Link

Happiness has been my quest for many years. Why happiness? Why not success, money, good deeds?

For me it started when I decided to take charge of my life and fix everything that was wrong. I had left the space where I felt at the world's mercy and finally understood that if another person was the cause of my problem it was because I allowed it.

The list I made of things to fix was extensive. It was a daunting task and often overwhelming. So I asked myself why did I want to fix these things. And of course the answer was "Because it would make me happy".

It became somehow less frightening to be on a single quest (for happiness) that entailed many aspects, than it was to be on a quest to find so many individual components.

It has made a huge difference in my life and I definitely consider myself to be one of the happiest people I know. I don't mean "cheerful". I've always been that. I mean deep-to-the-core satisfied with the direction my life is taking and very pleased with the many benefits I am able to enjoy.

Like any person in their pink cloud phase of enlightenment, I wanted to share my great discovery with everyone. I felt like I had discovered the secret to happiness and couldn't understand why everyone wouldn't want to jump on board. Surely everyone wants to be happy.

But that's not the case. Many unhappy people choose misery over happiness. Some just don't rank happiness high on their list of priorities. And others probably like to be miserable. And to those people I say whatever you want is fine by me. I can't say I understand it, but I appreciate the honesty.

It's to those that claim to want happiness, but just refuse to pay the price or do the work I say "don't whine to me then". I have a superior attitude in this regard. I am happy and successful and I'm not special. If I can do it, so can you.

The mistake I was making was to assume everyone needs to be happy. Or that "happiness" is the same as cheerful (but the genuine cheerfulness, not the mask).

Then came Ouiser. That's my character's name in Steel Magnolias. Ouiser is miserable and is ok with that. In fact, she takes comfort in it. I'm new to acting and am experimenting with different techniques. Part of my homework is to "be" Ouiser off-stage and to understand her.

What fun. There actually IS comfort in not giving a shit about happiness. Or rather, others' definition of it. In fact, I believe Ouiser is happy in her misery.

Maybe happiness comes when you understand and accept who you are. I'm pretty certain that happiness can be defined by a lack of... well, lacking. And if you are unhappy but do not desire anything else, then perhaps that in itself is a type of happiness.

Knowing Ouiser has changed my attitude about happiness. Perhaps it isn't the ultimate goal. "Satisfaction" is a better goal.

I am satisfied. And that makes me happy. :)

Everything But

Posted on 1/24/2006 at 1:05 PM - 0 Comments - Post Comment - Link

Every time I try to write about my surgery, the after affects or anything related to my weight I end up bailing out. How many ways can you say "being thinner kicks ass"?

As of today I have lost 74.5 pounds. It is becoming a number I don't throw around much, and as the number becomes bigger, I am even less comfortable stating it. Yet people, even casual acquaintances seem to feel it is appropriate to ask how much I have lost.

I don't mind the "Shona! You look great!" It's the inevitable "How much weight have you lost" that puts me just outside my comfort zone. No, that's not true... my comfort zone is WAY bigger than most.

What it does is put me in THAT position... the position of having to decide whether to get along or take a stand; be typical or unique; ignore or teach. The bitch in me screams "none of your business". The sarcastic comic in me comes back with "looks like you found it" or "and you've lost hair". The self-deprecator says "an entire eight year old and I'm still chubby!"

And it depends on who's asking as to which route I take. With those very close to me I tell them the number. To those that I don't feel like leading at the moment I generally avoid answering with a "What's most important is that I feel so much healthier". But every now and then I just have to try to show the asker how to treat fat people and explain "Thank you so much for the compliment. However, I'm uncomfortable talking about such a personal thing."

I don't want to give the wrong impression. I'm not sensitive about the weight issue and I love the positive attention. Nor am I shy or self-conscious. In fact, I have an entire new comedy routine based on things related to the weight loss, like the slapping sound my hanging skin makes when I run naked (I call it applause).

So, why do I feel uncomfortable with the question? And why would I feel any need to say anything except to shout out the big number? I think I need to figure that out. I suspect my motives aren't entirely pure, perhaps even punitive.

I'll have to give that some thought. In the meantime, if someone you barely know loses a lot of weight, just say "You look great! I love your hair."

Eternal Optimist

Posted on 1/24/2006 at 9:26 AM - 0 Comments - Post Comment - Link

I believe in hard work and dedication, not luck and wishes. I am also the eternal optimist.

Yesterday Canada elected a new Prime Minister - a Conservative government after years of Liberal corruption.

Now, I am the first one to declare that Canada needs major reform to it'selection process. For example, in Canada, one party can get more physical votes and still not win the election. It's about "seats" - the party that gets the most seats gets to have their leader as leader of the country. We don't actually vote directly for the Prime Minister. Weird. So even though my local representative of the party I wanted to run the country is a bonehead, I voted for him.

So, how does this vindicate the eternal optimist? Because nearly everyone I talked to said "Why bother! The east will just elect another Liberal government." To which I would always reply "maybe not". I had faith in my fellow Canadians to say to Martin's crooked cabinet "WE'VE HAD ENOUGH!"

Canadians are notoriously laid back. Some might even say apathetic. And as long as we get to live our comfortable lifestyle, most don't really care what the government is doing. "What's a billion dollar payoff to friends of the PM? I still get my Child Tax Benefit every month and free health care."

But many of us do care. And many of us acknowledge our role as citizens in allowing corruption and waste. We are a quiet bunch. And some of us remain optimistic.

Sure, it's another minority government - and the wacko BQ and NDP gained way too many seats - so very little will actually get accomplished. But my fellow countrymen stepped up and did what the democratic process allows: Removed a leader who didn't deserve the position.

I cast my small, Western vote with pride and optimism. I watched the election results with baited breath (that's a gross saying). And remained optimistic that things can change. And that the crooks don't always win.

And this time, I was right.

Workaholic finds her fix

Posted on 1/21/2006 at 8:56 AM - 1 Comments - Post Comment - Link

It's not that I'd forgotten. You don't forget the feel of... I can't name it. It's passion, power, pressure, doubt, confidence, joy and terror all rolled into one coursing sensation. And I love it.

For most of my first 20 years in the work force I was terribly unfulfilled. After highschool I continued my choices of immediate gratification and chose a fulltime paycheck over the tougher world of university. This lead to a series of jobs that were ok, but unchallenging.

Then, at the experienced age of 38 I got my big breaks: I figured out the secret to success and I landed an entry level job in a new company that was owned by a visionary.

For six years I worked and learned and loved my job. I went from the manager of a one-person branch to Chief Operating Officer. The company grew to 100 branches and for 3 of those years I had the honour of leading 300+ frontline staff and 65 of the 80 support staff.

The best part of course was being exposed to new ways of thinking and leading. Personal accountability became the foundation for my life and once I put myself in charge of my life, things were great.

When the company was sold, I was devastated. I didn't expect to be devastated. For about 10 weeks I knew the sale would most like happen. In fact, I worked like a dog on the due diligence process. But when it was over, I was left without a job.

Throughout my life I have felt alone in my experiences. I frequenly felt misunderstood and didn't really understand others. This is not unique I'm sure. But when I was the boss,  I was allowed to be me. Everyone had to tolerate me. The owners loved me and loved the million plus dollars in profit my team delivered every month. The staff either loved me or hated me, but they all had to put up with me and my ways of running the business.

But with that gone, I felt alone again. I remained in contact with my mentor, the ex-owner and within days of leaving the new company he was telling me about a great job he'd heard about that would be good for me. That was this job and yesterday I got to feel it again.

I found out later that Tim had actively seeked out several companies and made them aware that I was available and that if they were smart they'd snap me up.

It never occurred to me that I was available or that anyone would care. Surely I wasn't going to have another opportunity like the one Tim had given me when he entrusted his company to an ex-secretary with a high school education and a weird sense of humour. And I was trying to deal with the grief I felt about that. Turns out that I do get another chance. And there will be more opportunities.

And based on my experience and my faith in myself and the belief that happiness is simply a choice, I will get to feel this love of work for years to come.

I am grateful.

OPENING DAY!

Posted on 1/20/2006 at 9:51 PM - 0 Comments - Post Comment - Link

Finally!

It took so much longer than I thought it would. Very humbling.

But today was the big day!

And it was everything I secretly hoped for. Triple what I publicly projected.

Too pooped to write more.

Yea!

Simple vs Easy

Posted on 1/9/2006 at 12:51 PM - 1 Comments - Post Comment - Link

I am inspired today to talk about something that felt like an "ah-ha" when I first came up with it. I've shared the thought with hundreds of people, and hope that one or 2 of them decided they were worth the effort to do something simple.

You see, I have come to see that most things are relatively "simple" to achieve. Quitting smoking is simple... you chose a sessation method and you stop smoking. Losing weight is another thing that is ultra-simple. Just intake fewer calories than you use in a day. Simple!

But anyone who has tried either of these things will quickly agree that these simple things are not easy. Why does it matter to make the distinction? Maybe it does not. But in my travels I have noticed that people have lots of excuses for not achieving success.

I'm not here to judge those that do not achieve great things, or small things for that matter. I am here to say this, though: If you aren't willing to work for what you want, quit whining. And please do not project your issues on those around you that do achieve. It's about you and you alone.

So is behing happy simple? It is once you understand what will make you happy. But until you have gone through the exercise in self-discovery it is not even possible, let alone simple. Once you know what you want, it will become simple. But it will never be easy.

I've found that being happy actually takes more effort than anything else in my life. But by putting in the effort as my number 1 priority not only makes me happy, but makes my family and everyone around me happier.

But making yourself the most important person in your life is a whole 'nother topic. And I will never quit trying to make women understand that the LEAST selfish thing you can do is to make yourself your number one priority. And showing them that it's really quite simple.

Is this blog over?

Posted on 12/28/2005 at 9:57 AM - 0 Comments - Post Comment - Link

I don't know what happened exactly. Blogging was one of my favorite parts of my day before my surgery. Now I just can't seem to get it back.

And then today I come on and the only new blogs are bloody advertising! But that is not going to discourage me. I know that one of the reasons I used to blog so consistently was because it was built into my day. I came to the office and allowed myself 30 minutes of blog time before I got going. Then my office here in my home town opened, but until today I was without internet. Perhaps I can get the routine back.

I was also dealing with a lot of anxiety before the surgery, and blogging was such a great way to deal with that anxiety. I felt the need to be dramatic, philosophical and reflective. And what better forum!

Then after the surgery I was a bit of a mess for a few reasons.

First was the slower recovery than I expected. Of course, now that I've been through major surgery I know what to expect. And I when I go for the big nip and tucks next year I won't be so demanding of myself. But still, at about 4 weeks when I still felt like shit, I was very depressed. At 7 weeks it was like a light switch and I feel better than ever.

I knew I would have to rediscover myself. The new job is a huge discovery for me. I've tied my existance to the job for so long and now I have a new job. The new job just isn't sparking my passion. I know that in time, it will. When we are 100 branches strong and I'm leading 300+ people again, I will feel the passion. But it isn't there right now.  I miss it. A lot.

This works out well for my community theater group though. I'm a woman with a lot of passion that needs an outlet. And since it isn't there with work, I've been putting a lot of it towards turning around our little theatre company. Over the last 2 years we managed to lose all the cash to 4 disasterous productions. As treasurer (and the smartest one in the group at the time) I knew it wa up to me to fix it. So I worked like a dog on The Diary of Anne Frank. And it was a huge success both financially and artistically. We actually doubled our budgeted profit!

I was so charged up with that success! And something else happened. I made some friends! Good friends I think. Did I mention earlier that I've always avoided friends? Good topic for another blog I guess.

So these new friends and I came up with a great idea for the Spring Production.

We recruited the best director in town and we are doing Steel Magnolias in March. And I have a part!

I'm so excited I can hardly stand it! I'm Ouiser. It's perfect for me. We've had 2 rehearsals already. I'm brilliant. It's my first role in 25 years. And I love the cast. And the director is awesome!

I honestly can not remember when my life was this fun.

Physically I'm doing extremely well! I've lost 64.5 pounds. My goal was to lose betwee 90 and 100 pounds so I'm getting there. I look pretty good but I feel FANTASTIC. I'm off all of my medications! I used to take 13 pills a day (10 for diabetes, 2 for high blood pressure and one for high cholesterol.

Every day, hell every HOUR, it seems that I am noticing things that are different for me. I can walk long distances now, I can lift a lot better, and I just fit better now. The world isn't made for large people.

People are treating me differently, as I've mentioned. But I've come to really see that it's because I am behaving differently. It rocks.

I need to have a job I love but that will happen. I've recently been approached about another job that is truly perfect for me. It's the early stages and I have to be very careful when making this descision. I'll blog about that soon.

So, this isn't advertising. I hope some of my old blog pals are still out there reading.

My life fucking ROCKS! This surgery is honestly one of the best things I've ever done. The only problem is that I am becoming an even bigger monster now. But as a wise man once wrote, I'd rather be some kind of monster than eaten by one. Or something like that.

Delusional?

Posted on 11/23/2005 at 8:08 AM - 2 Comments - Post Comment - Link

Yesterday I was called delusional. The name-caller put up a pretty good argument, actually. But I'm not convinced.

Here are the points made:

1. You are in a serious state of denial. No one has THAT good of an attitude.

2. Perhaps you believe your own BS, but we aren't buying it.

3. You've never been able to be wrong. Your claims to happiness and inner growth are required in order for you to stay "right".

Wrapped up with the very interesting:

4. Think about it, Shona... if everyone around you believes differently, couldn't it just be that YOU is wrong?

Who was this person that felt so qualified to comment on my life? Well, that's the interesting part. It was my husband.

I don't write about my husband much. After 25 years, I still don't quite get our relationship. And I won't bore you with the details today (that's for another blog), but suffice it to say that we are the "opposites that attract". He lives his life under the banner "Hope for the best, but expect the worst." I say "You get what you expect. And that hope and luck are for lottery and bingo, not life or business."

I don't try to change him. At least not any more. and I spend more time smiling and nodding with him than with anyone else. Weird, eh?

But yesterday I was feeling especially on-top-of-the-world and made the mistake of commenting on one of his negative tirades.

I simply pointed out that there could have been extenuating circumstances for the person that annoyed him. I suggested he give him the benefit of the doubt, rather than assuming malicious intent. I then just pointed out a couple facts that supported this approach... facts that he had spouted during his re-telling of his day.

That's when he asked me if I truly believed that shit. And that's when I remembered that he isn't having a conversation with me. I am simply the audience to his monologue. I am the witness to "Life According to Steve".

I hope that doesn't sound bitchy or mean. I know that I can't control anyone's behaviour but my own. And I also knew that it was unlikely that ALL his changes would hold when we reconciled four years ago. And I'm here, aren't I? No one is holding a gun to my head.

It just gets dull sometimes. And once in a while I feel motivated to inject a more positive spin on life.

Mostly I feel pity for him. I can't imagine his life. I couldn't bear being so miserable all the time. He seems to like it though. I mean, it's his choice, right?

Or am I just delusional?

Transition

Posted on 11/18/2005 at 2:50 PM - 0 Comments - Post Comment - Link

I haven't been writing much lately and I miss it. I manage to read my favorite blogs regularly though, which keeps the blogging bug alive.

I'm so busy with work, what with 9 days until we open our first branch. I say that because I'm the optimist who simply denies reality until the very last minute (but always with a plan B buried deep). I will need 2 very big miracles Monday to hit my opening date.

No, miracles is too big of a word. I simply need things to go my way on Monday. And since things usually go may way, I'm going to refrain from total panic and stay positive.

But I am writing today to distract myself from work for a bit. I'm remembering my initial reason for blogging, which was to record my experience with gastric bypass surgery. I find myself finding so many other things to write about though and haven't kept this blog up to date on it.

I want to talk about it today, though.

And what better place than the safeness of my honesty haven. I share my thoughts and opinions too much some will say. But I truly do hold back in real life. But not here. And I really love the indulgence.

Because today I want to confess how much I'm enjoying getting thinner. I went into this for health reasons, but knowing I'd experience changes professional, socially and personally as well.

And I worried about some of that. I was pretty sure that I would be treated better generally as a thin person. I could understand it. Accept it even. But I wasn't sure I liked it. I have an enormous ego at times, and an arrogance and confidence that I honestly do not understand.

But I suffer from insecurities and silliness of the sort as well. And I worried not only that people would see me as a better person because I was thinner, but that I might actually be a better person. That would mean their change in behaviour is logical, versus shallow.

And my prior claims to being fine with myself as a fat person will not only seem lame, but be exposed as the BS they were. I'm not saying I feel this way - that my prior claims were BS. I'm quite sure I could have lived my life quite happily without the surgery.

I'm rambling... I know! I can't quite pin down what I'm trying to say. More accurately, why I feel like I have to say it.

I think I'm saying that I'm surprised to be LOVING the attention I'm getting. I like how people are treating me differently. I've had 2 people claim that they didn't recognize me at first.

In the past, every time I dieted and lost weight I resented every comment. It pissed me off that it mattered to practical strangers. It pissed me off even more that that it mattered so much to the people I cared about. But of course, it was really because I had doubt that it would actually last. Why would it? I had lost weight before only to gain it back every single time.

So I was simply anticipating the public failure that I would ultimately have to face. Great attitude, eh?

But I guess I expected to be pissed off this time. And I'm not.

I've lost a lot of weight - 25% of my original body mass in fact. Imagine it; take your weight, calculate one quarter of that and imagine how you would look if you lost that much weight.

And I do look different, but it's not just that. I feel so strong and ... well... "certain" seems the best word to use. I feel my head held higher, my stride longer. My entire being seems to be saying "Bring it on!" as though there is simply nothing I can't do.

It's cool.

And people respond to the combination of a more acceptable appearance and an overwhelming confidence that I project. Sometimes it seems to scare people, but mostly they respond positively.

And I like it.

Why does it make me feel weird, though? Almost guilty, but not quite. Have I abandoned the fellowship of the fatties, perhaps? Am I just feeling the discomfort that happens when you grow as an individual by realizing something about yourself isn't quite what you thought it was?

I'm not sure.

I'm not sure I care.

I will just be grateful that things are this friggin' great.

Freakin' out!

Posted on 11/10/2005 at 8:45 AM - 0 Comments - Post Comment - Link

Just in case I have given the wrong impression and my loyal readers think I spend my days floating on clouds, giving thanks and having great things happen to me, I write today to correct you.

I have less than 2 weeks until we open.

I'm not ready.

I'm bordering on panic.

The marketing people aren't keeping up.

The development people haven't ordered my furniture yet.

My boss suddenly wants to go ultra-conservative with our lending when our entire approach is non-conservative.

I point fingers here and here only. Thank goodness i have this release opportunity.

If only everyone were as efficient and responsible as I am! Waaaa. Whine. Bitch. Blame.

There. I feel a bit better.

And I do have faith that all will work out. It always does for me.

Does it get any better?

Posted on 11/7/2005 at 7:29 AM - 2 Comments - Post Comment - Link

Wow! What a weekend!

It began with me on top of the world after my great presentation Friday. Then I fly back from Toronto and arrive just in time to get the front-of-house set up for our 4th performance of The Diary of Anne Frank.

Going into our first performance our ticket sales were only on par to break even. Not a great thing as we had budgeted a profit of $2000. However, we were "ok" with breaking even because the last 4 shows had LOST money.

However, in the time between the first Saturday show and the second week's first show (Thursday) we sold a ton of tickets! We closed Saturday to a sold out house and a standing ovation. We made almost $4,000!

It was a truly brilliant performance by all. This cast grew especially close and we just couldn't let it end. So we partied. And I felt good enough to go until 4:00 am when the cast party ended.

What a weekend.

I'm also really excited about the new friendships I started in this production. I'm not one to have lots of friends. I've always found them to be a bit of a burden. And the friends I do have are usually men. But I met two women in this production that I really clicked with. We already have made plans to get together this week. And we are all going to audition for the spring show (Plaza Suite  by Neil Simon). I hope we all get a part!

And I'm back at work full time this morning! Ready to make all the final arrangements for the opening of my first test branch! I'm going to go make some calls to make sure things are ready for an opening before the end of this month.

Down 52.5 pounds and up about 1,000 energy units.

Does it get any better than this? I just bet it does.

The Old Boys Club

Posted on 11/4/2005 at 10:32 AM - 0 Comments - Post Comment - Link

Picture it... very formal boardroom. Six members of the board of directors. All male. Average age 70. All highly successful in their chosen fields (bankers, insurance, etc). Also present the executive team from my company. Again all male although much younger. 12 black suits looking very serious.

First relief: Right choice of suits! Black, tailored, expensive, white blouse, new (and incredibly gorgeous) shoes, hair in conservative mode. Whew!

First decision to be made: Up-beat and energetic or serious and numbers oriented. I went with something in the middle. I presented my information with a positive tone and smiles, but kept my funny side under wraps. As I had been instructed, my presentation was high-level and brief, leaving most of my allotted time for questions.

Once the questions started I saw that this old boys club wasn't as uptight as originally thought. I added a bit of humour to my answers and everyone lightened up. After the presentation we had an informal "mulling" during which each of them spent a few minutes with me. And I must confess I was especially charming!

They loved me. They loved my proposal. And I got full go-ahead! They were impressed with the financial projections and this is the best part. Why? Because I was ultra-conservative. I know I can at least triple the bottom line and move the break-even point from 10 to 6 months. Next time I sit in front of that group it will be to receive their accolades.

My boss was happy that they were impressed, and any time your boss is happy is a good time.

Between getting my energy back and knocking 'em dead today, I'm over the moon with excitement.

My life rocks!

And I plan to spread as much of this excellent energy as possible. Afterall, one must find ways to pass on one's good fortune. I would give anything to have a room full of people to motivate right now.

Big Day

Posted on 11/4/2005 at 6:13 AM - 1 Comments - Post Comment - Link

Well, I'm off to present my business plan to the board of directors. I've never met them before so have no idea what to expect.

But I'm prepared and rarin' to go.

An empire is about to be given the go ahead. And I am QUEEN of that empire!

Look out world... a brand new product is about to be delivered.

Who? Me?

Posted on 11/3/2005 at 8:08 AM - 0 Comments - Post Comment - Link

Whenever I go through something BIG or stressful, I treat it as an opportunity to study human nature. At least that's how I handle those things now. When my beloved Instaloans was sold last April I was devastated. But I saw an opportunity to learn how people behave in this type of situation. While not surprised often, I was disappointed too many times.

My surgery is another one of those opportunities and this time I'm going to try to be easier on myself and my fellow humans. The new job only adds to the "big-ness" of this time of my life. Not only do I have to find out who I am when I'm not Queen of Instaloans, but I have to try to figure out how to live as a thin person. I'm also experiencing a household with no children in it. And after 5 years of commuting, I am trying to figure out the best use of the extra 3 hours I have every day. Lots of things are changing.

If you have read any of my prior blogs you know that I love change. I see it as an opportunity to start over, particularly in areas of my life that need improvement. So in keeping with my philosophy, this is the biggest opportunity of my life so far. A week ago it was overwhelming and scarey. Today I am so thrilled and honoured for the opportunity. It's been a big week.

While far from thin yet, the 50 pounds I have lost has made a significant difference to my appearance. I'm only 5' tall after all, and losing a full 100 pounds will make me very petite. So I'm a lot thinner.

However, I haven't had much opportunity to really know this. I have really only seen my family and a couple close friends. I've noticed that I"m smaller of course. Afterall, none of my clothes fit, my ass is so bony that I can't sit for very long (nature can be cruel) and the face looking back at me from the mirror has fewer chins.

However, my family doesn't treat me any differently. But Monday I re-entered the world. I went back to work full time. I'm super-busy with our community theatre (Diary of Anne Frank opened last weekend to rave reviews and a packed house!). To gear up for my re-entry I got a fabulous new hair cut and colour, and bought a couple new outfits.

I have also decided to heighten the "new me" effect by implementing some habits that I have been studying. I am a people watcher. I spend a lot of time in airports so I have lots of time to watch. About 2 years ago I decided to start watching women that gave the image I was going for. What did they do that I didn't? It was quite simple. They have manicures, expensive hair cuts and wear high heels.

So out I went to the real world again. Nice outfit, 50 pounds thinner, amazing shoes, my nails manicured and hair trendy yet professional. An d once again my fellow human beings did not disappoint.

I have been handling "front of house" for our theatre group for 3 years (6 shows and over 20 performances). This is my job for several reasons: partly because my work schedule is too demanding to allow me to take a role on stage. But mostly because of my "schmooze" abilities.

Anything in a small community is a challenge. For some reason more people complain in a small town and I am in charge of keeping the whiners happy. I turn on the charm and with a very high rate of success I can turn a grump into a supporter. I'm an outgoing individual and if I decide to participate in something I will most likely stand out as a leader.

But the big thing is that I must first decide to participate. In my people watching hours, I have noticed that "attractive" people are treated differently than the rest of us. People iniative conversations with them, offer them spots in line and many other courtesies. I'm FAR beyond this bothering me. I find it interesting and in some ways kind of sad.

So, unless I decide to put myself into a conversation or other gathering, I haven't experienced a lot of effort by others to get to know me. Again, this doesn't bother me. I like it in fact. I put my nose in books on the flights to avoid the chit-chat.

But I am conducting an experiment of human behaviour. And I notice that things are different. The changes are subtle, as are the changes in my appearance to date. But there are changes. There is more eye contact; more smiles and once I literally asked "Are you talking to me" when a total stranger sat beside me just now (I'm in the airport as I type) and started talking.

There is so much more to say but my flight is boarding.

This is it.

My new life has started.

And I am loving it.