Transition

Posted on 11/18/2005 at 2:50 PM - Post Comment

I haven't been writing much lately and I miss it. I manage to read my favorite blogs regularly though, which keeps the blogging bug alive.

I'm so busy with work, what with 9 days until we open our first branch. I say that because I'm the optimist who simply denies reality until the very last minute (but always with a plan B buried deep). I will need 2 very big miracles Monday to hit my opening date.

No, miracles is too big of a word. I simply need things to go my way on Monday. And since things usually go may way, I'm going to refrain from total panic and stay positive.

But I am writing today to distract myself from work for a bit. I'm remembering my initial reason for blogging, which was to record my experience with gastric bypass surgery. I find myself finding so many other things to write about though and haven't kept this blog up to date on it.

I want to talk about it today, though.

And what better place than the safeness of my honesty haven. I share my thoughts and opinions too much some will say. But I truly do hold back in real life. But not here. And I really love the indulgence.

Because today I want to confess how much I'm enjoying getting thinner. I went into this for health reasons, but knowing I'd experience changes professional, socially and personally as well.

And I worried about some of that. I was pretty sure that I would be treated better generally as a thin person. I could understand it. Accept it even. But I wasn't sure I liked it. I have an enormous ego at times, and an arrogance and confidence that I honestly do not understand.

But I suffer from insecurities and silliness of the sort as well. And I worried not only that people would see me as a better person because I was thinner, but that I might actually be a better person. That would mean their change in behaviour is logical, versus shallow.

And my prior claims to being fine with myself as a fat person will not only seem lame, but be exposed as the BS they were. I'm not saying I feel this way - that my prior claims were BS. I'm quite sure I could have lived my life quite happily without the surgery.

I'm rambling... I know! I can't quite pin down what I'm trying to say. More accurately, why I feel like I have to say it.

I think I'm saying that I'm surprised to be LOVING the attention I'm getting. I like how people are treating me differently. I've had 2 people claim that they didn't recognize me at first.

In the past, every time I dieted and lost weight I resented every comment. It pissed me off that it mattered to practical strangers. It pissed me off even more that that it mattered so much to the people I cared about. But of course, it was really because I had doubt that it would actually last. Why would it? I had lost weight before only to gain it back every single time.

So I was simply anticipating the public failure that I would ultimately have to face. Great attitude, eh?

But I guess I expected to be pissed off this time. And I'm not.

I've lost a lot of weight - 25% of my original body mass in fact. Imagine it; take your weight, calculate one quarter of that and imagine how you would look if you lost that much weight.

And I do look different, but it's not just that. I feel so strong and ... well... "certain" seems the best word to use. I feel my head held higher, my stride longer. My entire being seems to be saying "Bring it on!" as though there is simply nothing I can't do.

It's cool.

And people respond to the combination of a more acceptable appearance and an overwhelming confidence that I project. Sometimes it seems to scare people, but mostly they respond positively.

And I like it.

Why does it make me feel weird, though? Almost guilty, but not quite. Have I abandoned the fellowship of the fatties, perhaps? Am I just feeling the discomfort that happens when you grow as an individual by realizing something about yourself isn't quite what you thought it was?

I'm not sure.

I'm not sure I care.

I will just be grateful that things are this friggin' great.