The Best Part So Far

Posted on 1/26/2006 at 9:28 AM - Post Comment

Surely this is the most transitional period of my life.

New job.

New body.

New friends.

New mom-role.

And that's what I want to talk about today. How much I love being the mom of grown-ups.

My daughter was born first. She was one of those kids who seemed so much older than their years. You've heard parents say when asked how old little darlin' is "three going on 21"? That was my Erika.

I was a very lucky first-time mom. She was an easy baby, charming toddler, good student. We had next to no trouble with her as a teenager, which my mom still points out I didn't deserve. We had some issues of course. It's a law as mother-daughter to have some power struggles.

After high school she chose not to go to university, and as a working adult did what all should do: she moved out on her own. Until the boyfriend came along, we talked and saw each other often. And while the nightly phone calls have stopped and she doesn't come home much, we remain close. Our relationship has grown into a very nice, mature friendship and we genuinely enjoy each other's company.

In summary, she is still a joy to have as a daughter and I will be forever grateful and proud.

The Boy was born 3 years after Erika and as I've said before, was the absolute opposite experience. But for 18 years I felt I understood my purpose on this planet: to be Max's advocate. I took the role seriously (particularly the "martyr" part) and was proud of the young man that moved out last September.

Erika claims Max is my favorite. Max claims Erika is their Dad's favorite. I maintain that while most parents do not have more love for one child than another, often they will find themselves "relating" better to one. And that is the case in our family. As a family with a high-needs kid, the "good" kid gets less of Mom's attention, but benefits from being Dad's little pal. The difficult kid gets a lot more individual attention, but also is often the target of the incredible frustration and emotion that comes with challenging situations.

And in the end, Max and I are extremely close. And we see him quite a bit. As most 18 year old males, he is constantly foraging for food. Free food to be specific. So he manages to show up at meal time 3 or 4 times a week. And it's so very enoyable.

Max has become highly empathetic. This causes him some discomfort for some reason. Recently I witnessed him show a mere acquaintance extreme thoughtfullness and felt compelled to comment on it. I told him how proud I was that he was so sensitive to others needs. Not only does he recognize quickly what would make the other person feel better (rare), but he most times acts upon it (perhaps even more rare).

His response to his mother's clucking and fussing? "I know! And it pisses me off! Why can't I just be the asshole I want to be?" Turns out his difficult childhood has left him especially keen to other's discomfort, causing him to act like a total dork (his words, not mine). I point out that he also has every female that knows him telling him how adorable he is, which he does agree is a nice benefit.

Today I am having lunch with Erika. After lunch we are going to stop by her favorite tattoo shop and book appointments and look through the flash. I'm getting my second and this will be her 9th. She is truly one of the coolest people I know.

I do not believe in luck, so to speak. So I can't say I feel lucky to have such great kids. I also know that sometimes we get more than we deserve and for that I am grateful. But mostly this new phase of mothering supports my overall philosophy... You get back what you put out.

And while I was far from perfect as a mother, I put my heart and sole into raising my children. There were moments of doubt and fear, but for the most part I believed things would work out. I believed that if I did my job, both of my children would come out the other end of the school experience whole and happy. And I never put my children's well-being second to my own comfort zone (which I see constantly and loath).

I know it is so early in their lives to claim they are happy and successful, but I know one thing: Being their Mom is an honour and a joy.