It's been a while

Posted on 8/21/2006 at 5:33 PM - Post Comment

Wow... rereading my blog has left me feeling very detached from myself. Who was that person? Who the hell am I now?

I've lost 115 pounds. I don't need to lose any more, but have about 10 pounds plus of excess skin that needs to be removed and a couple pounds of "perma-fat" to have lypo'd (that's what the plastic surgeon called it... perma-fat).

But that will cost $18,000 so I'm not in a big rush. I look fantastic in my clothes and since that is the way everyone but one sees me, I figure I'm good. I do, however, look like a freak naked. What's that wrinkly dog... Sharpe? That's me...

My life is so different. I'm different. Life is easier, while I'm more difficult. My career has skyrocketed, yet I struggle to be as good a leader as I used to be. Men like me more, but women are as weird as I always knew they were and I have to work so hard to earn their trust now. My husband has recently pointed out that I've become the type of woman he's never liked (vain, confident, demanding).

I am  more vain, definitely. And my confidence has increased, although I've never struggled with confidence in most areas of my life. I don't think I'm more demanding, but perhaps I am.

Most days I'm cool with how much easier my life is now. Even pleased with it. Ocassionally I'm mildly amused with what a big difference my new appearance has made. And once, but only once, I was down-right pissed off about being treated differently. But that was a weak moment as I try to never be upset by things beyond my control.

Even the difference between now and 50 pounds ago is amazing, and I was amazed 50 pounds ago. And I'm 30 days away from the anniversary of my surgery. What a weird year.

This blog entry is not my best. I know that. I'm tired from working too much. I'm worried about my new nephew born yesterday but in NICU with breathing difficulties. I'm trying to figure out if I'm happier, not happier or just different. I struggle with being severely anemic, which is a common side effect of my surgery. And I'm dealing with the fact that I hit a deer on the highway last week and need to get my precious car fixed.

So today I'd have to assess the situation as this... same shit, different body. But I promise to write more often and soon I'll be writing on a day when I figure my life is better than I could have ever hoped, which is most days I suspect.

I do know I'm about the most blessed person alive. And I am grateful.