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| the many questions and day to day happenings of a mindless me |
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im sorry. im sorry i made you so unhappy. im sorry i wasnt enough. i sorry i couldnt be everything that you wanted. im sorry that you needed more. im sorry i wasnt there the way i should have been. im sorry that you couldnt talk to me. im sorry you felt i never listened. im sorry you felt i never heard. im sorry i didnt love you enough. im sorry that i didnt try hard enough. im sorry i wasnt as easy going. im sorry that i wasnt what you wanted. im sorry i yelled. i sorry i cried. im sorry that i tried to make you stay. im sorry that i thought we could make it work. im sorry im not like everyone else. im sorry no one else liked me. im sorry that i thought that didnt matter. im sorry you thought you were my bitch. im sorry i thought i was yours. im sorry that i wanted things a certain way. im sorry i didnt compromise. im sorry you felt it always had to be my way. im sorry that you just stopped. im sorry that you gave up. im sorry that i wanted more. im sorry that i wanted a life together. im sorry i wasnt pretty enough. im sorry i wasnt skinny enough. im sorry we ever had to struggle. im sorry i couldnt do more. im sorry i ever made you cry. im sorry that i ever made you yell. im sorry that i ever hurt you. im sorry that i just couldnt see. im sorry things got so out of hand. im sorry if you read this and it makes you think of me. im sorry that i touched your heart. im sorry that i will never get over you. im sorry that i will always love you. im sorry that i will always want you. im sorry that i will forever dream of you. im sorry i will never know what could have been. im sorry goodbye had to come. im sorry things were perfect. im sorry that im crying once again. im sorry that i dont know what the pain will go away. im sorry that i will never forgive my self for pushing you away. im sorry for all of it. im sorry. | ||
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| ok so i stepped on the scale this morning and needless to say i am not happy. this time last year i weighed about 110 pounds and now i am almost up at 130, 129.6 but we might as well say 130. that is just way to much. but today is the day to turn that around. no more. this binge eating will not win over me any more. im starting to the gym today so tomorrow i will be sore and will have to fight through it to go back to the gym but i will go. i will lose at least the 30 pounds if not 35! i will get down and be as skinny as i was if not skinier. no one will stand in my way. chocolate will not be my down fall any longer. no more chicken and dumplings! life is changing. i did it once i will do it again and this time it will not change for this time next year i will need to fit into some type of wedding dress to marry the man of my dreams. i will succeed in this! it is not optional! i am not meant to be fat and ive let my self get way to fat! im very disappointed in my self! but i will prove to the world that the skinny me is the real me. give me 2 months and i will show you. i know wha ti have to do. it worked before it will work again. nothing is going to get int he way now! | ||
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| so friends suck. tiffany decided to be a complete bitch yesterday and well our friendship is now over. her drama has been way beyond what i want in my life. from her lying to matt about her sexual experiences with her friends. i had plans to go see keebler yesterday. we made the plans thursday night before she ever decided she was going to bring some of the last of my stuff to my house. i called her from my sisters to get rubyes phone number since my cell wasnt on me (or on for that fact). i didnt want to call her cause of the hassell she had given me that morning over keebler and mikemike. so when i called she asked where i was i told her i was at shannons gettin ready to head down to carolina. she told me that she was on her way to my house to bring zacharys hobby horse to me. told her i wasnt home, but that i had to stop back by here to get some stuff that i had left behind when i got my stuff together. told her in the end she had til 4:15 since i was already gonna be an hour and a half late. so after hittin up the package store and gettin gas i headed home. got here at 4:15 she wasnt here. gave her a call asked where she was and told her i wasnt waitin any longer. she started bitchen, asked why i didnt tell her i was goin to see keebler and i asked her since when she was my fuckin keeper and that i didnt have to tell her my every fuckin move in my life. i know how she feels about keebler knows she doesnt want me with him and she wants me with mikemike like so many other people. no one cares what i want or what is going to make me happy apparently. well my happiness matters to me! and thats what matters. so i told her i wasnt waiting she asked if i would leave my door unlocked i told her fuck no. she said she was gonna leave zacharys horse outside my door i warned her against doing that told her i had to go said bye and hung up. well when i got to my sisters today (she watched zachary last night) she told me that tiffany called her cryin like a little bitch about not being a fuckin storage unit and blah blah blah like my sister actually gave a fuck. she apparently asked one of my neighbors if he would keep my sons toy like a crazy fuckin bitch. she left that shit out front of my apartment. so fucking disrespectful! best friends my ass hole! so when my cell got turned back on today i text messaged that stupid bitch telling her how fucked up she was and so on. all she could say was her time this and her time that and so on and so on. stupid bitch is all i can think of. im not perfect never claimed to be never will be, but she is one of the most fucked up people i have ever met in this world. lets go from a physically and mentally abusive relationship to a mentally and emotionally abusive relationship. lets have our boyfriend bash his head into the window because we wanna leave for the night. lets lie to him and tell him no i havent screwed half of my friends just because i still want to be able to talk to them. no i didnt screw derek, hes only a friend. shed leave matt in a heartbeat if she thought shed get derek for real! but who does she run to everytime matt makes her mad, not me, derek. like a little bitch! i kept her secrets and lies just that. secrets and lies. but she loves matt. matt doesnt even know how many people she has fucked! and him oh shit the shit about him is endless but im mad at her not him. but really fuck the both of them. i dont care any more. i saw enough shit there the month i stayed there to last a life time, my parents arent even that fucked up. and my parents are hella fucked up! any hoo im done bitchen for the moment. shes gone again (wow no this isnt the first time weve stopped being friends). i told her the truth. the only person in this exact moment that is more important than keebler is my son! zachary is number one in my life, keebler is number two. you dont life it fuck off and die! | ||
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okay so my mom was just diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer. from what im understanding that means that as of now it hasnt gone into her lymphnodes. well they havent tested the lymphnodes yet just the lumps. so once they test the lymphnodes (which the lumps happen to be in line with the nodes so there is a good chance) and if they come out positive there as well then it will automatically be stage 3. needless to say im pretty fuckin bummed! i knew she was having the biopsy but i never thought it was going to come back positive. so they are saying as of now radiation and chemo. so life sucks all over again. god is a joke and a bastard at that! gimmie a break he loves up what a crock! spineless bastard! my life has never been anything but shit and it just gets worse and worse everytime i think things might perk up! people suck life sucks and i swear if bad things happen to my mom because of this, there will be hell to pay! | ||
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| what is it about movies that you have seen a million and one times over that are still able to get to you? a list of movies that make you tear up every time you see them and a select few that make you cry like a baby? i just watched armageddon and i like i said have seen this movie more than i can remember, and yet every time bruce willis throws ben afflec back into the shuttle and then talks to liv tyler and tells her good bye i start to tear up. its odd. off the top of my head some other movies that still make me tear up and cry are gone with the wind losing isiah the notebook and movies of that sort. i just find it odd that you know whats commin and yet it still affects you in an emotionally profound way! okay so im weird get over it! | ||
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so keebler came to see me last night, and somewhere in there my guilt came full on. i love him so much and still sometimes wonder why i allowed my self to fall in love with mike mike! the torture is so much! its wearing on me! everyone keeps asking when im going to leave keebler, and i just dont have an answer for that. i know how im going to feel once he is gone from my life. id like to believe that we could still be friends but somehow knowing how he feels about me i dont see that happening. he told me today that he loved me and i told him he was a liar just goofin off, he said no i love you this much and he put his hand up and had his fingers touching (most people use their arms and spread them as far as they can) and said that way there is no space between us, and nothing could come between us. my heart broke because of what has happened the last couple of months. i use to doubt that keebler loved me and have many times wondered why he was with me. i asked him not to long ago why he loved me, and he told me its because of how i make him feel and so on. my heart broke last night, and i feel like i have no one to talk to because no one wants me to be with keebler. no one in this world thinks he is good enough, and i cant help but wonder if thats why mike mike was able to get to me the way he did, because i finally believed what everyone was saying. but when i lay in his arms and im surrounded by his scent, his muscles, his love there is nothing else there; there is no one else in the world and he is the only man in my heart. but when he is gone i continue to be torn between the two men that i love! time is running out and soon i will have to make my final move, one way or another.
ps. i had a dream the other night a very sexual dream i typed it up in an email and sent it to both keebler and mike mike, truth is, there was a man in my dream and im sure it was one of them, but in the end i have no idea which one it was! keebler is my soul. no matter what happens, i will always be his. i somehow find that unfair to mike mike but how lucky i would be able to be with him! | ||
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| so my corset piercing is gone again! *sobs* they got ruined at keeblers birthday party. so finally enough time had passed and he realized there was no saving them. so they are now gone. but on the bright side there is something new we are going to do. more surface piercings that we are going to do on my stomache. so im bummed on one hand but excited about something new on the other. i figure i can actually take care of the ones on my stomache cause i can reach them to clean them. and well basically i will have no worries about being thrown on my back outside in the grass. *kiss love you darlin* so now i will get a tattoo on my back to cover the scars from the corset so wish me luck in my new venture! | ||
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odd title i know but its something i heard this weekend and it kinda stuck with me. any hoo, well i got home from texas on thursday and well i was thankful for that. being there screwed things up and fucked with not only my head but my husbands head and heart as well. but im home now and my plans were set into motion. got a lil of a late start on friday, but it all ended up ok. i finally got down to see keebler after picking up his friend shawn (who by the way is a really cool hippie) and he was good conversation for the rest of the 3 hour trip down there (we got stuck in traffic). but we finally made it to salvo and my heart started racing and my head was swimming and he hadnt even touched me yet! i had so much fun with keebler and his friends. i got some one on one time with two of his friends (shawn naturally and his other friend brandon who is also hella cool). the evening wore on and well ill spare the details of what happened, just because thats personal, but to say the least if i thought my head was swimming and my heart was racing when i got there that was NOTHING compared to what i experienced that evening and that night before we went to bed. a round of applause from brandon was apparently in order to say the least! but that night laying down with him and falling asleep in his arms, oh the sheer extacy of it! i mean total perfection within arms reach. happiness comes in so many packages and granted the sexual intimacy between me and keebler is fucking awesome, but nothing beats being able to just lay in his arms and fall asleep listeing to him of all things snore. it warms every inch of me. but sleep came and the only time i woke up was when i was no longer in his arms and he was pulling me back over to him. i had no complaints. but naturally as it does ever week saturday came and i had to leave. i did get to see him for a little bit saturday before i left but he was dealin with work stuff which i expected. but he told me something that he had never told me before. he told me i was sexy! hes told me i look good and im fine i just need to tone up some before, but never before has keebler told me im sexy and boy did that make me feel good, although i have not yet accomplished what i want to with my weight but to just hear him say that and then to have him put his arms around me and tell me im so small made me feel good about what i have already accomplished! but again i had to go i had tiffs birthday party that night so i had to say good bye for now. i got my kiss and my i love you and briefly mentioned comming back down in month around my birthday and as always thats on a we will see basis (i didnt expect anything more)! so i got in my car and got on the road back to va. normally when i have left carolina from seeing keebler i always had a sense of dread and sheer sadness. i didnt feel that this time. i had a sense of peace inside of me that i have never felt in reguards to him before. i know now that he loves me and that i do in fact mean the world to him and from here on out i have no idea what should or can or will happen, i know i can take life one day at a time with him and with everything else in my life and whatever happens happens. good bad or other wise i know that keebler loves me and with that knowledge i could live on forever with complete and utter peace in my life! well i finally got to tiff and matts house around 3 on saturday and matt met me out side tappin his watch cause i was late and he and i were supposed to be baking tiffs cake for her party that night. but i had decided to order it instead so as to not possibly let the secret out. so i hung out for a while then got ready to go did my hair tiff got home i did her hair and then ryan was there and every one that was ridin down with us and so we left to go pick up the cake and head down to headlights in elizabeth city. well i set up and got everything ready to go and tiff and matt and everyone else got down there bout 830 and the party started hoppin. i had balloons and confetti and streamers on the chairs and a tiara and a ring for her so everyone knew she was the birthday girl. well i got her up on stage and well literally got her ass beat by 2 strippers and well a third ended up commin out and they pulled her boyfriend (matt) up on the stage to beat her some too. they ripped her titties out of her bra and well that was the end of that. my girl has a 40 ddd set of boobs natually and none of the girls in that bar have boobs any where near that size even the ones with fake boobs. well after her whoopin and bein led around on a leash on the stage i got one of the dancer to bring her cake out which just happened to be a pair of boobie come to think of it i should have gotten a picture of it, but we all have the picture in our heads so no fear we will not let that memory fade. tiff got to blow out her candle on stage and well the night went on from there. we all had a blast the dancer got a lot of money and we all (for the most part excluding a few of us) drank a lot of booze. a birthday for the history books (our history books at least) we had fun saw a whole lot of boobies i danced around the whole night and well got back home to tiff and matts and passed the fuck out. today was tiffs actual birthday. so naturally the first thing i did when i woke up (after seeing morgan in my face which was all cool and shit) was tell tiff happy birthday with which she replied with a thank you and matt made breakfast. so i got up put some clothes on and went out and had breakfast then i had to get on the road and come home to my munchkin with which i was met with a whole shit ton of drama that isnt even worth mentioning for another second. but all in all my weekend was fucking awesome. life went far beyong orgasm friday night and saturday i got drunk off my ass and drunk dialed keebler (which is always fun) i passed out and got a good breakfast that i didnt have to cook. my sons cast comes off tomorrow so what could be better right now in life. and the answer to that, how long is a piece of string! 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HE LOVES ME! HE LOVES ME! HE LOVES ME! HE LOVES ME! HE LOVES ME! HES SCARED AND CONFUSED! BUT HE LOVES ME! TINK | ||
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not that i ever thought that what i felt for keebler wasnt real, but now i know! i found my first love on my space yesterday and i was excited because i wanted to know how he was doing and all that jazz. when he mailed me back and told me how things were and briefly told me about the woman he will marry some day i was so excited for him. but in the past i have always had a sense of longing for him when ive spoken to him. there has always been that emotional excitement wanting and wondering in reguards to him. but last night there was none of that. there was just wanting to know how life was treating him. i thought of keebler when he started talkin about the woman he is with touching him like no one else has before and how he fell in love with her and nothing has changed and how he after 4 years his love is still going strong. i couldnt help but smile think of keebler and tell michael how i felt! but as i said ive always know that the love i felt for keebler was real but now i know more than ever that my love for him is real and true and ever lasting and no one will ever be who he is to me! love is grand whether it works out or not, and my love for keebler is the grandest thing ive ever felt outside of being a mother and loving my son! TINK | ||
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well my husband basically laid a bomb on me today tellin me he loves me but he hates me he wants me but he doesnt. normally that should bother someone but seeing as we have been seperated for so very very very long it espically bothers me. he wrote a poem and a note last night that he let me read tonight and well to say the least i am speechless. i know where my heart is and its not with chris. he is a wonderful man and a great father but he isnt the man for me and im not the woman for him, but why do i feel guilty that he feels the way he does about me? i just dont know, but i had to say something and i can only hope that things dont go downhill from here! my heart is elsewhere and never will that change TINK | ||
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i saw a shooting star the other night and made a wish, will it come true, is it possible for my prayers to be answered. and i dont mean prayers as in praying to god i mean prayers as in my dreams hopes and wishes! i got on a plane and looked down on the clouds and thought of him. ive dreamt of him being next to me and holding me and kissing me and telling me over and over again that he loves me. am i living on false hopes? am i fooling my self into thinking that there is a chance for us to try again. i dont believe im living a pipe dream as some have told me. but ive decided to go back to school and make something of my self so that i can support my son and let my husband go on with his life a free man. but i know that if there is a chance for things to go again i have to be able to stand on my own two feet and take care of zachary my self and not have to depend on anyone else other than my minimum child support from chris. but i would have to be able to move out and be on my own with just me and the baby. such is life and in order to move on and try again if there is a possibility there then im game for anything! but my heart still bleeds for him and my dreams of him are constant only a little more cheerful now a days, for him i would do anything no different than i would for my son! TINK | ||
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well yesterday i saw keebler for the first time in over 4 months. on the drive down there i got so sick. my stomache was in nots, and until i saw him they stayed that way. but then i saw him, and my heart started beating again for the first time in 4 months. he kissed me he hugged me he told me he loved me. am i crazy to think that maybe things will start up once again? i could only hope and pray but have i completely lost my mind. it felt so right standing there in his arms. it felt so right to have his lips to mine and to hear him say i love you. nothing has changed how i feel about him or how i think about him. its still a constant aching in my heart every day that im not with him and he isnt mine! should i try again, should i try and make him mine and make my heart whole again? no time was ever happier than the times of the 3 of us together me watching them play on the beach my son calling him daddy. should i begin to imagine that things could go on again and believe that they could go right this time? oh my dreams would come true if they did. my dreams thats what ive lived on for months now along with my memories. i never thought he would tell me he loved me yesterday i honestly expected him to pierce me and send me on my way but thats not it. i saw it in his eyes the love and the pain of not having me. am i crazy to imagine and pray and hope and dream for the two of us to have another chance to make it in life together? ive decided im going back to school if i want to be with him i have to move out of my parents house and closer to him (but not to close we still need our space apart) so that we can see each other and be together. i have to go back in 3 weeks when i get back from texas to ge my jewelry changed in my new piercing he told me he would cook dinner and i told him i would wear something with easy access lol. thats just the way we our. oh please dont tell me im wrong for still wanting him time would have done something if it wasnt right wouldnt you think. i know thats how i think please tell me im right and im not living a pipe dream! TINK | ||
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by the time you get this 3 months will have passed since we last spoke or saw each other. my heart broke that night as i drove off because i knew that was the end. i have a few things i want to say to you. to begin wtih i want to tell you how sorry i am for having threatened you. i make no excuses for my behavior but i was angry and at that moment hated you so much and i wanted you to hurt the way i was! it wasnt right and ive regretted it ever since but im only human and make mistakes. i would never hurt you intentionally and i would never try to ruin you that way or any other! so please believe im sorry for letting my anger speak when everything fell apart. i dont know how youve been doing since we last spoke but i can only hope that everything has gone the way youve wanted it. ive always hoped that you dreams come true and that you find complete happiness in life. i still dream about you and still tell you that i love you. not every night any more but more often than not you are on my mind! i still feel your arms around me at night when i lay down to go to be. you still have the biggest part of me that will never change. i will always love you no differently that i did when we were making memories together. no different than i did when i was watching you play with my son on the beach. nothing will ever change the love i have for you or you haveing my heart in your hand now forever always. i dont regret you being in my life. i dont regret a moment spent with you laughing crying kissing reading watching sleeping fucking fighting or anything else. i know you loved me of this i have no doubt any more. ive always known but denying it made it easier knowing that someday you were going to leave. i know my pessimism was always an issue but it was always right. ive dated and gone out with a couple guys here and there but no one compares to you. ive not let anyone near me to put their hands on me or to be intimate with in any way. no one excites me the way you did. with you it took a look or walking in the door or god knows a million other insignificant normal things you did that just well you know. im geting off track point being, no one compares to you. no amount of money or cars or anything that matters to these people does squat for me. why im going here i dont know. no one makes me smile the way you did either. no one will ever be you to me again. you were/are the love of my life and that will never change! i went through my tinker bell journal today and came across the entry you made the night before halloween and i cried reading about how much you loved me and zachary, how much you wanted to be a family and how wonderful your feelings were. i cried so hard. i remeber reading that the night you wrote it and i cant help but wonder if things would have been different if i hadnt lost my house. i just cant help knowing that i had the love of my life right there in front of me and i lost him. i lost you and i hate my self for it! everyday my heart breaks a million times because your not mine any more! everyday i think of you, i dream of you, i cry for you! everyday! so much brings me back to you. pictures songs poems movies somehow almost everything reminds me of you and its not fair. its not fair that im hurting and crying and breaking down when your not. you would think that would make it easier but it doesnt. i know your living your life and trying to fulfill your dreams and maybe just maybe every once in a while im an after thought and knowing that makes it all harder! what i went through last march when we broke up was a joke compared to what im going through now and have been going through for the last 3 1/2 months. it was easier tohide at first because i was so angry with you but as the anger melted and the ice chipped away around my heart the gaping holes started to bleed and again i began to die inside! and outside isnt doing much better! sleep doesnt come easily the dreams im having of you constantly telling me you hate me keep me up and nothing will make then stop. you have no idea what you have done to me and i have no idea how to stop it or fix it! you took over a long time ago and i cant get control back and i honestly dont know if i want it back because then all of you will be gone from me and i dont know which would be worse. i gave my self to you heart body mine and soul. you still have me and always will of that im sure! i dont know what else to say im not sure if i should say anything else. i guess imply put i still want you i still need you i still dream about you i still yearn for you i still love you no different today than when we were together and if i could change one thing or have one wish it would be only for your happiness with out with me. i love you baby now forever always! all my love all my life Meagan Renee'
ps please mail zacharys certificate of live birth thats all i care about i got a new birth certificate. and i know youve gotten a new phone so have i heres the number if you ever need anything dont hesitate to call. even if you just need someone to gripe to im always here for you! zachary had something to say as he always does im sure youll figure it out! | ||
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i had a dream about keebler last night. it was rather up setting. it turns out that he was going to have to apprentice me to be a body piercer and he flipped. sayin shit like his wife was back around and he still needed his space. i dont know how to feel about it. ive been thinkin about him a lot lately, more than id like to admit to any one, and when i tried to talk to tiff about it she said i didnt need to be thinkin about him. it hurt but no one wants him in my life, he doesnt even want to be in my life, but i still just dont k now. but i had to say somethin about the dream since it up set me the way he did. i gotta finish the letter i started and get it out to him. why does loving someone have to be so painful??? TINK | ||
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i feel you touching me
TINK | ||
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i have found my savior. i found my release from the pain. my heart will no longer be broken. i will feel nothing. ana will show me the way. i will achieve perfection. i will not be fat any longer. ana knows. always borderline and now i take the plunge. i will start a new life. 500 calories a day. no junk no binging. and if i do binge i purge. the torment will cease. i will survive. he will see me and say wow. he will see me and hurt. he will see me and love me. he will see me as perfction. i will not fail. i am to please. ana will not let me fail. she will not let me continue to be a fat cow. 113.8 pounds in not acceptable. someday i will show ana that i truely do love her and follow her every whim. she willbe proud of her work she will love me. she will take care of me. and i am thankful for ana! TINK | ||
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no. he doesnt want me. or at least he doesnt want me right now. i knew something was wrong last week when i finally got to talk to him. and the next day it was over. and then he said he wanted to talk and try to work things out. so we talked and everything was an excuse. he doesnt want to raise another mans child. he has nothing to share with someone. he needs his space. he needs time. he doesnt need me worrying about him. like because its over im going to stop worrying about him. ill never stop caring or worrying about him. he said if i gave him his time and space that we would still be together, but i know better. i know that it will never be again. and i have to deal with that but its not easy. i thought we were going to be together. i thought that he was it for me. and thats what i wanted, and thats what he said he wanted. why would he tell me the things he told me and then change his mind? is that the curse i got for dating a kid? i never thought of him as a kid. i knew he was young but i thought he was different. he wants me to sit back and wait for a phone call that i know in my heart will never come. is not fair, but then again life isnt fair now is it? how do i stop loving him? how do i get him out of my head? another guy wont do it, ive tried that before! im ruined now, and there is nothing left for me to give to anyone. i love him now forever always TINK | ||
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the last couple of days have been horrid. i havent talked to keebler since monday and my mind started playin tricks on me again. i called him at the shop today which eased my fears a little bit. but it didnt fix the problem completely. hes depressed about his car and having not been able to get home for a week and i feel worthless since i cant do anything. i asked him if he wanted me to come down for new years and he said he didnt know. that really hurt. my boyfriend should want to spend new years eve with me! something is wrong here. at least i think so. and now it seems that everyone who was for my relationship with him is no longer. im so lost. i worry and spazz about my relationship constantly and it kills me. if things arent going right with me and him nothing can cheer me up. how do i get past this? how do i make him see and understand and want what i want. he says he wants me but does he really want me? the million dollar question... i just wish i had the answer to this one but then again i dont. ignorance is bliss right. i know what would happen if he didnt want me... and with a baby i dont need that to happen... this whole week has just sucked ass!!! TINK | ||
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I HATE THE HOLIDAYS!!!!! nothing ever seems to go right. and so far it hasnt! i hate this shit! TINK | ||
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