My buddy Aaron Bennett has just published his first novel entitled Isolation. I'm a little over a 100 pages into it now and enjoying the progression, it really has a nice flow to it. I really have to tip the hat to Aaron for encouraging me to write Brand and I hope that my novel turns out half as well as his. It's currently available at Amazon.com among other places but I've found a very inexpensive seller at Barnes and Noble.com that has the book for less than 13 bucks! Do yourself a favor and read this book. BarnesandNoble.com

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a
woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the
entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store
ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men
increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch ....
you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up
a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are
extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-
dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are
drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong
romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the
sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no
men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are
impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband
Store.Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

CHEF BOLTS: Isaac Hayes has left Comedy Central's "South Park," citing the series' "inappropriate ridicule of religious communities." Read the story

The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction.

The John Kerry Virus - Stores data on both sides of the disk and causes little purple hearts to appear on screen.

The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive ; with NO memory

The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to keep counting and re-counting

The Bob Dole Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy

The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone ab out what it did

The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back

The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes

The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 350 GB

The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted

The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM,
but your processor doesn't care

The Michael Jackson Virus - Only attacks minor files

The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch fl! oppy ... then discards it through Windows

I'm a very passionate person. Anything I do, I do with significant UMPH. All or nothing, baby!

Along the way, I've discovered that I'm especially passionate about a few things:

- My family, of course. More specifically, being the advocate for my boy and a role model for my daughter.

- Leading. Not work, as work can be just a job. But the leading aspect has fueled a passion in me for the past 6 years or so. If I'm not leading, I'm not fulfilled. Although I can follow if I believe in the leader.

- Women's enlightenment is a passion that flairs and wanes. Most of the time I am passionate about sharing my secrets of success with women. But all too often I become so frustrated with the gender that it's all I can do to simply exist with them.

But I have a new passion. ACTING.

I've always been a performer and need to be the centre of attention on a regular basis (not all the time though). Comedy is my natural forte, but I know I can do more than that.

A few months ago I took a chance and auditioned for our community theatre's next play, Steel Magnolias. I generally avoid situations where I'm not pretty darned confident I'll succeed. So this was very near the outer edge of my my comfort zone. And low and behold, I was cast as Ouiser, a 66 year old grumpy woman who spends her days wondering how on earth she will ever survive the fools around her. While I am rarely grumpy, I can totally relate to her frustration.

The role is small, but as with many comedies, the small role steals the show.

We have a brutal rehearsal schedule... 7 days a week, 4-5 hours each day. And I love every single minute of it! Even when Sir is yelling at us. Sir is our director. He's a genius and he's dying. This is his swan song and he wants it to be his best work.

The cast is special group. Now, as hard as I work at it, I find myself intolerant of some things. And as this cast is all women, it can be especially intolerable at times. Out of the 5 other actors in the cast, 2 I adore and consider my new good friends. 2 drive me batty. 1 is only 15 and a total sweetie, but I doubt we will keep any kind of relationship after this. But as long as I arrive at the last minute, go right on stage and avoid the pre-rehearsal hen party, I have the BEST time.

Right from the beginning Sir told us all that we were exceptionally good for amateurs. He warned us that this might not be a good thing, because he will only accept excellence now that he knows we are capable of it.

He's frustrated with one of us that isn't as good as the rest and spends a lot of time coaching her. And he badgers 2 others relentlessly about specific things they do (bad accent, weird physical nervous twitches). Young Annelle is perfect and will be a professional one day. One can't remember her lines and gets some grief. But he'd never really commented on my performance. After we do a scene, we sit for "Director's Notes" and rarely does Ouiser have any. I was called "Director's Pet" a few times because I always seemed to escape his wrath.

But I was finding it a bit frustrating because I want to do the best job possible. I would be mortified if I gave a bad performance. I've told him specifically "Sir! Make me great!". He laughed (it was scary) and made a silly comment about greatness. I knew I was doing a pretty good job. I always know my lines and blocking, have the accent down pat and the other ladies always say how funny I am on stage. But until I could hear Sir tell me I was acceptable, I couldn't rest.

So about 3 weeks ago, during Director's Notes I finally asked if there was anything I could be doing better. And the man who doesn't like to give compliments and would rather die than give a false one, says "For Godsake Shona, you're better than Shirley MacLaine was in the movie. I don't know why you didn't do this professionally. Quit being so needy." Only Sir will give you shit while giving you a compliment.

Well, after that, my budding passion became full-blown, ego-driven and unstopable. I set out to be the best Ouiser to ever step on stage. I endured Sir's annoyance as I insisted he give me homework and taught me acting techniques. I softened him up a bit with little touches that he really liked. And as he grows to love me, I am able to get him to spend a few minutes every night giving me tips.

Last night, after Act II, Scene I, Sir stood up with tears in his eyes and applauded for 3 minutes straight. Standing is not easy for him as he is very ill. And applause with tears in his eyes would never come unearned.

After we all stopped crying (ok, I didn't cry but I was moved) he told us that we were as good as any professionals he had directed (and he was a professional for years). He gave us each one compliment. Mine was "Brilliant, Shona. Simply brilliant. Your best work so far." as he held eye contact and put his hand on mine. (I'm tiny and brilliant now.)

I can not wait to do it in front of an audience. While the other 5 cluck and fuss about how nervous they are and how scared they are of doing it in front of an audience, I clap and jump up and down saying "I can't wait!!!"

I try to not spend much time considering regrets, but I have to admit I wish I had started this new hobby sooner. I love it so much and apparently I'm pretty good at it. I wonder if I have the energy to make this a more serious past time. I do plan on retiring in 5 years... perhaps it will be my next career.

I am truly one of the most blessed people on earth. Even though my life was great before, it continues to gets even better. I have fun, purpose, passion, love and excitement in my life.

And I'm brilliant.

In my insane effort to put sites like Flickr out of business we have in a sense ripped them off. I can't think of a better way to christen our new photo album system than with a few photos of the newest addition to our family, my nephew Dominick James Stuart Brice born one week ago today. Oh and that big lug sitting in between those kids is my big brother and proud papa Roderick. Enjoy!

http://www.justblogme.com/albums/maddhatt/

I've lost over 85 pounds. Only 10 more to lose, then the plastic surgery which will remove another 15 pounds of skin and fat. I wonder of the boob implants will weigh much...

Things in Shona's world are... you know, the only word that really works for me these days is "surreal". It's like I'm living someone else's life. But not really, because it's the life I've always wanted, and really, thought I had.

Every single area of my life is improved. I know it's mostly because of my attitude and behaviour, but I can not deny how much easier it is to succeed in this world when you are seen as "attractive" by others.

As a fat person, I was fairly well received. I have a bubbly, outgoing personality that puts people at ease. I'm funny and smart so even those that initially discounted me for my size became to appreciate me. My flirty ways and natural sensuality even made men grow to appreciate me after they knew me for a while. Women tolerated me because I wasn't a threat to them with their men. Plus I was one of those fatties about which people would say "She has such a pretty face. If only she lost some weight".

Being heavy didn't seem to stand in the way of my success. I went from Secretary to COO in 3 years, earning a 6-figure salary and bonuses bigger than a secretary's entire annual earnings. I had lots of friends and a great family, so I was clearly successful. But there was so much more to come.

I want to share some recent experiences with you.

The Handsome Insurance Rep. Last week I met with one of our providers. I've known Kent for years, but hadn't seen him since before the surgery. Kent is gorgeous and has always played up his advantage. For years he's been greeting me with a handshake and a kiss on the cheek, figuring his good looks and charm will work wonders with this 40-something chubby. I enjoyed the flirtation, but am not nearly shallow enough to be swayed by his approach. But I let him think what he needed to think as I negotiated our share of the premium (tripled our share and he still reminds me of the grief he got from his boss).

Kent was coming for a long overdue visit. We talk onthe phone and by email very regularly since I had given him my new company's business. He walked up to me as I stood at the counter. He smiled his extremely handsome smile and said "Hi! I'm here to see Shona." I smiled and said "Hey Kent!"

He recognized my voice and I wish I could have been video taping his face. In a split second I saw shock, confusion and I think, fear! He quickly regained his composure and I came around the counter to shake his hand. I didn't get a kiss this time. In fact, he spent our entire meeting seeming nervous and awkward. At one point I laughed and said "Kent, it's still me. Why are you being so weird?" He avoided eye contact and said "I just had no idea..."

After our meeting, I had to leave for a lunch meeting. My co-worker (and long time best friend) Ray and Kent stayed to work out some details of the new business. When I returned, Kent had left and Ray said "Shona, I'm so sorry for not noticing how thin you've become. I guess I just never thought of you any other way but beautiful." (see why he's my best friend?) "But Kent's comments reminded me of how much you've changed and I want to apologize for not telling you every day how great  you look." I told him that was the best compliment EVER.

Three times in the last 2 weeks, people I have known for years but not seen for months have said "I didn't recognize you"! and I liked it.

My Mentor. I have talked frequently about my last boss and how he changed my life. He was the one that saw potential in me and gave me opportunities no one ever had before. Of course, he was a smart man and his faith in me made him VERY rich. For the 42 months I ran his company, the profits increased steadily to over $1.8 million per month. Then he sold it for $50million.

Anyway, I've stayed in close contact with Tim since the sale and our relationship has grown to be a wonderful friendship. But we had a 90 day stretch where he didn't see me in person. Last Wednesday I dropped by his office unexpectedly for a visit. I confess that I was there in person to show off my new shape, as we could have caught up on the phone.

Tim is a very unusual man and I can rely on him to have unusual responses. I walked into his office, did a little twirl and said something silly. Tim stood up from his desk and walked around me in a circle - twice! And I heard it for the second time that week "I had no idea!" I laughed and said "Of what?"

He said "I had no idea you were so tiny! Look at you. A Fart in a Mitt. Your head looks bigger." LMAO! Big head? Then he sat down, did his weird and wonderful deep eye contact and said "So, is it different now?" and we proceeded to babble for the next hour about how different things are for me now.

I can always count on him for insight. He said "How do you feel about the way men are treating you now?" I kept it light and laughed about actually getting checked out. But he was determined to have a serious conversation and said "You are going to have a harder time now. You are extremely intimidating now that you are the whole package. I mean, you were intimidating enough just being smart, funny and poweful. Now you're too much. I'm scared of you."

I would be so sad if our relationship went backwards and I told him that. I reminded him that I am literally going to be "the woman Tim built" after the plastic surgery because money he had given me after the sale was going to pay for it. I already attribute my attitude and success to his teachings, so I am what he made me.

He promised to work hard to not change the way he acted around me. Then he flirted with me for the first time ever! I called him on it and he blushed so red I thought his face was going to burst. Then, just because I'm a monster, I stood up, put my hands on his desk and leaned over enough to show a little cleavage, and said "You can flirt with me any time." I winked and walked away. I hope he watched my ass as I left.

Vanity? Of all the things that have happened as a result of weight loss, I chose to share men's reactions today. Why? Mostly because I'm so surprised with how it makes me feel.

Like Tim, I don't have typical thought patterns. I think that's why we get along so well. We are both weird and people don't really know what to make of us.

I always knew that men would treat me differently thin. And I've shared in this blog that I was worried it would piss me off. But it doesn't piss me off. I like it. I like it for two reasons.

First, of course, because I love the positive attention. Who doesn't like to be told they are beautiful? Of course, I've always felt fairly beautiful, but now I'm TINY! They actually say that word! TINY! (sorry - got excited there). I have become quite vain and no longer leave the house without heels and make-up. I can't wait to have my surgery and see how people react to me then.

But better than the huge ego boost is the power I feel. I always assumed I would respond to comments on my weight loss with a fake smile and total distain. But actually the smile is real and I feel powerful.

My secret identity is still quite secret. But now instead of the cute, funny, round woman that becomes the no-nonsense, head-chopping executive in the boardroom, I'm the cute, funny, sexy woman who becomes that same monster when going after something I want.

You need a secret weapon when you are in business.

Men of the world, you do not disappoint. You are even easier to manipulate now than ever. But I promise to use my power only for good. Unless you piss me off.

So true to my word I emailed Tom over at MySpace and surprisingly he wrote me back.

 
Here's the transcripts:

Hi Tom,
I'm extremely disappointed by the message that you left on The Tony Danza Tapdance Extravaganza's page yesterday. How many black people do you think actually listen to hardcore metal music? If you're being honest you know the number is not that many. Not only am I black but every member of the band is a personal friend of mine. Not a MySpace friend, a real friend. We've hung out together and I've even crashed on their couches on occasion. These guys are just a young up and coming band trying to make it, I thought that was the point of MySpace. I had never even heard of you guys until last year when one of the band members asked me to join so he could add me to their friends list.

I hear that your will has been appeased. The band spent a few hours sifting through MySpace profiles searching for black people to add to their friends which you and I both know is meaningless PC crap. Of the near 12,000 friends they have over two thirds were added by fans requesting to be added and not them going around looking for white people to add to their list. Why? Because the guys love MySpace and I've sat there at shows and listened to them tell people to join them on MySpace. And when I went to those shows guess what? I was one of the only black people in the audience and most times the only one so of course their friends list is going to be mostly white.

To be fair I think your heart was in the right place but you really screwed the pooch with that one. I was kind of offended that you singled out blacks. Why no Hispanics and Asians? I actually admire what you've done here but I really feel that you owe the band an apology and maybe a few beers. I'm not trying to be a jerk here, I'm just sticking up for my bros.

Antonio D Brice

Tom wrote me back and here's what he said:

From: Tom
Date: Mar 7, 2006 10:15 PM

heya - sounds like someone is posting fake comments from me - send me the link to the page so i can take a look - thx!

And me again after I talked to Brad:

http://www.myspace.com/tonydanzatapdanceextravaganza

Here's the message which is still up.

Through extensive screening, we at Myspace have noticed that you are not encouraging diversity within your Friends. In an effort to express this, please add at least 5 more black people to your Friends List within 72 hours, or your account will be deleted. Please post this as a bulletin to spread the word. Thank you for your time,

Tom

I just got off the phone with a member of the band. I'm really glad if this is just a hoax but how did they make a post under your name? It even links to your page.
I really am sorry if I came off as a jerk but those guys are some of my best friends. Thanks for looking into it!

After removing the fake post Tom then wrote me back and explained an exploit that was found in the current MySpace posting script which would allow a user to not only post as him but anyone else on MySpace. He apparently has been catching shit from all sides because a couple of idiots can't control themselves. What is worse they also did it to another band. The bands fans were pissed and have been writing all kinds of foul stuff about Tom on MySpace which is a shame because he really seems like a nice guy. Well look at it this way Tom, you took a website that beat out both Friendster and LiveJournal to become the top networking site online and sold it for 580 million dollars. It sure sucks to be you!

Something unusual happened on MySpace today. I was visiting the Tony Danza Tapdance Extravaganza's page just to read some of the fan reaction to the new material they released last week. That's when I found this disturbing post from MySpace.com founder Tom Anderson:

Tom

03/07/2006 12:05 PM Through extensive screening, we at Myspace have noticed that you are not encouraging diversity within your Friends. In an effort to express this, please add at least 5 more black people to your Friends List within 72 hours, or your account will be deleted. Please post this as a bulletin to spread the word. Thank you for your time, Tom

I thought this was a put on but it is indeed quite real. MySpace is threatening to delete Danza's account for not having enough Negroes as friends. Notice that the call was specifically for black people and no other minority. This is totally absurd for a number of reasons but I'll try to stay on the main points. First how many black people do you know that actually listen to Metal music? I'd wager to say not many. I own records from Metallica, Oasis, Linkin Park, Fuel, Filter, Elton John, Michael McDonald, Sting and The Police. I have a few Kelly Clarkson tracks on my desktop and some Gavin DeGraw and Rascal Flatts. But if you look in my CD collection or in my music folder you'll find that the overwhelming majority of the music that I've purchased or downloaded have been by black artists. Most of the time I listen to Hip-Hop or R&B but I'm not so close minded that I can't experience other cultures and other types of music.

This may come as a surprise to most of you but most of what we watch and listen to is separated by race, age, or gender. VH1 was created to serve an older crowd that MTV wasn't catering too. BET became a black alternative to MTV because if you were a black artist and your name wasn't Michael Jackson MTV wouldn't play your music. Lifetime and Oxygen for women, Spike and ESPN for men. Nielson and Arbitron ratings are always broken down by age, race, and gender so that advertisers get the most bang for their buck.

My point is this. If I go to see Toby Keith in concert I'm sure that I would see some black people there but they will be grossly outnumbered. Should the concert be shut down for not having a diverse enough audience? I've gone to see Danza play a few times. The first time I was one of only 3 black people there, the second I was the only one there and the crowd was even bigger than before. I had a good time, made a few new friends and the band thanked me on stage for coming out. Maybe the band should have gone to the hood and put out a few more flyers not that any of those people would have come but maybe a few brothers would have shown up to help "diversify" the crowd.

Why is MySpace worried about a hardcore rock band not having enough black friends anyway? I happen to be one of those black friends by the way. I had never even heard of MySpace before Brad Thompson told me about it and asked me to join so he could add me to the bands buddy list which I did. I can personally state that they don't have a racist bone in their body. I plan on contacting Tom on the bands behalf. Hopefully I can help stop their page from being deleted.

I'm feeling a lot of trepidation right now concerning... Well, I think I've just decided to move my blog here to MySpace. No one seems to be around here anymore. Looking for Wilson Bateman on MySpace will get you there.

The Tony Danza Tapdance Extravaganza have released three new tracks from their upcoming Sophomore CD. These are not downloadable tracks and are available for streaming only at PureVolume.com. I am always amazed at the response the bands fans give them. The page has been up less than a week and the tracks have been streamed over 35,000 times which makes me kind of thankful that I didn't start that MP3 site I was thinking about a few years ago. The server bill at Pure Volume must be insane as they have tons of different bands for you to listen to for free.

Pay close attention to track number 3 "Mad Max Beyond Superdome". If you've read this blog before you may remember that I used that as the entry title for one of my posts about Hurricane Katrina a few months back. Brad Thomson reads my blog on occasion and loved the title so much that he told the other members of the band. They of course loved it since four fifths of the band hail from Louisiana. He gave me a call and asked if I would mind if they used the title for one of their new songs. Brad's like a brother and the whole band has been cool as fuck to me so I said yes and we even talked about a few more song titles which may end up on the record. I'm always up late at night and Brad will usually call me at 1 or 2 in the morning and we'll just shoot the shit and the madness ensues. I'm not a funny guy in the traditional sense but Brad thinks I'm funny so when he laughs at something I say I just keep going and the next thing you know I'm laughing too. He's just a great guy and a really talented musician. This new stuff sounds really good. The production quality has been amped up quite a bit. I really think this next full album will put them over the top. Enjoy!!!

http://www.purevolume.com/thetonydanzatapdanceextravaganza

This one can make a complete fool of ya'. Good luck. After you have thought about this for a while, pass it on to those poor unsuspecting friends you just love to pull something over on. Be ready to explain how Le Woogie does this, 'cause they're going to ask!



The 'Le Woogie' Card Trick. Performed by: Le Woogie
Pick one of the following cards. Don 't click on it; just keep it in your head.


scroll down when you have your card,




Think about your card for 20 seconds in front of Le Woogie.
Le Woogie will attempt to read your mind!
Scroll down after 20 Seconds





The Great Le Woogie Has Removed Your Card!





SCARY ISN'T IT. Now scroll up and do it again, this will freak you out.

I got a call from my buddy Brad the other day. He was very excited because the producer of the Tony Danza show called and wanted some info on his band  The Tony Danza Tapdance Extravaganza for a segment they were doing. Brad said that their music would be played on the show within the next few days and I am very pleased to say that it finally happened on Monday. The following is a clip from the Tony Danza show. The band is hoping that Mr.Danza will invite them to New York to perform on his show but in any case I'm just happy that my buddies got their ugly mugs on a national television program.

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A
Millionaire" while we are in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want
to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
"Yes," she replied.
Then I said, "I'd  like to phone a friend."
That's the last thing I remember.

For everyone who has ever received or given an evaluation, just remember, it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from Federal Government employee performance evaluations...

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

11. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

15. "He's been working with glue too much."

16. "He would argue with a signpost."

17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

24. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

29. "One neuron short of a synapse."

30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."

32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles etc.)

An average person's yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs.

In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects - while you slept!

Annually you will shake hands with 11 women who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.

Annually you will shake hands with 6 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.

In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents of your dirty linen basket.

At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests.

Daily you will breath in 1 liter of other peoples' anal gases.

HAVE A GREAT DAY...

...and wash your damn hands!

Today Is National Mental Health day!

You can do your bit by remembering to forward this page to an unstable friend.

(Well...my job's done!)

Some days, it's not even worth chewing through the restraints