Blah blah blah... there is soo much I want to say but I'm not quite sure were to start. I think I might start with CELLAR DOOR, in all the english language and all the possible combinations of words cellar door was once said to be the most beautiful, I heard that in the movie donny darko and it has really stuck with me, the 2 words together cellar and door sound beautiful they sound like a french word or something along those something from a beautiful and soft language. Those word always make me think of all the beautiful things that I forget about like teh really little things.

I really miss the days when life used to be simple.

Well anyway I chose the Title Lounge act because I was sitting in a cafe not to long ago and I realised that there's this whole image that people try to project while sitting in a cafe, well not all people just the few, especially the young ones, and the whole thing just reminded me of the the Nirvana song Lounge act, I've always loved that tile I don't know why but I always like titles which sound like they are made up of 2 random words but when you think again you see that its not random at all.

I don't know what eles I want to say, oh except that the song Matchbox by The Kooks has some scary lyrics but always many sweet ones.

Will write soon.

xxxXxxXxxx

I'm sitting bored to death in a free :( but it's ok cus I'm really looking forward to next lesson which in about 1hr30mins1 its media. For our media assignment we had to film a documentary about our 6th form (college) and we had to do it over the holidays. I finished eiting mine yesterday! its soooo good, and it is really funny aswell! I'm really looking forward to showing it to the class. the aim of our documentaries are to show what 6th form students are really like. I have some real funny shots, mainly performed by my dear friend Mikey woods, in one scene he is performing Beyonce knowle's latest single "ckeck on it" this performed by a guy who looks like one of the beach boys, and  who's in a 80 revival band. lol, and another scene were he looks at the camera and very harchly tells me, " I think you're a Twat!" its so much funnyier to watch than to be told about it.

I also have Lucy amatt, on her birthday telling me about her love for Cliff Richard and showing us her new Cliff calender, that she got for her birthday.

I really enjoyed making that!!!

but I'm still realy bored in this free!!!! I want it to finish but I still have an hour left!

anyway I'm struggling for more to say. so I'm gonna go!

P.S- I'm sorry about the misleadindg title, lol, I can't believe I got u to read this!!!! Ha! you sex fool!

Well, wow I haven't done this for ages!

Has anyone watched the movie 'Elephant'? Its sooooo amazing, its based on the Columbine highschool shootings, its by Gus Van Sant, who is an amazin director! I just loved that movie, I'm really into Cult movies and that was so much like Donny Darko which is my favourite movie.

 ok I had lodz to say but I CAN'T THINK NOW, DAMN!!!!

So I'm just gonna go!

Oh yer got ma lip peirced! yay!

I wasn't o sure at first but now I like it! it was one of then random things, I didn't think about I was just in town and then just got it done then and there!

Its cool I got a lip Ring!

Well anyway I'm gonna go!

I just realised I 'm not the only disfuntional one of my friends, today I had a really good chat with a group of some of the most amazing people I have ever met and not only are they amazing each ande every one of them is soo genuine and all of them have these amazingly beautiful souls. Each one of them had their own stories to tell and some were sadder than other but some how we all connected and there that significant bond between each and everyone of us which just fills my heart, even though a couple of them were friends I'de know from before it felt as though I had met totally new and fresh people who even though they've had struggle in their lives can appreciate what they have. But I only wish I could be more like that, I have promised myself that I am going to try and make an effort with life now and I'm going to try and be happy, not only for myself but also for these brilliant people and but also others which I love.

I think that things possibly looking up for me and if not it's ok because  I'll just go with flow and I know things will get me down but I'm gonna have stick it out.

I probably have had it worse than all the others in group (we all decided this) But I appreciate the struggle I've been through because it has got me to where I am now.

And I probably am a stronger person and now I know what I want and I might be looking for. (I know this all sounds like a stupid cliche, but sometimes that is what life is like, it's all one big cliche)

I'll blog soon...

Huda xXx

Today was really wierd, I burst into tears about 3 times, I dunno what's up with me I'm probably suffering from Bipolar or something, actually no I'm suffering of Mild depression as my trusted friend who is a qualified counciler told me today. (I can't spell)

I think Napoleon Dynamite is one of the coolest movies ever, I dunno why I'm bringing this up but I just can't get that movie outta my head, especially how Napolean says 'Gosh!'

Haha..

Anyway I'm actually Blogging to talk about yesterday, which was my first proper day at college because we started our lessons. Yesterday I had Double Art, Double media and then Biology.

Art is my favourite subject at the moment though I  can't really chose because I haven't had Psychology yet, but still I think Art would probably be my favourite anyway. My Art Teacher is amazing and the lessons are even better.

I actually enjoy all of my lesson all my teachers seen really nice and I like what they're teaching us.

I was really happy at the end of yesterday, though I was very tired, and I also ended up with 5 hours of Art homework and 2 hours of Biology, Great!

Well anyway when I got home yet again I was very Depressed, I was also expected to turn up at a party, so I rang my friend and said I wasn't going but I ended up getting dragged to it anyway, I was so bored, because the party was so shit.

I felt that I just needed a good sleep last night, but Ii still woke up depressed this morning, and probably feeling even worse if that's possible/

I'll write again soon.

xxXXXxx

I'm eating chocolate Flavour Nutri-Grain??? I don't know why, I don't really like it, it but I've been eating them everyday.  ???????????? Whatever....

I know that early I was really happy and was happy with college and everythig but now after me and my friend have had a bit of a chat, we both have realised how deprssing this whole college thing really is but I'm sure we'll pull through fine, but I do feel so bad I don't know why but I just feel like I just wanna curl up and die, I'm so tired also but if I try and sleep I'll probably just become more deprssed and probably stay up all night thinking.

Well I dunno, If any of you lot maybe know what's going on in my head, please be sure to tell me.

xxXXXxx

Hey fellow bloggers, I'm at colege at the moment, this is my second day, I'm really enjoying it, there are alot of my good old friends here and also I have met some really nice new people.

I really hope this feeling of joy doesn't fade to soon because I'll just end up slipping back into depression.

I hope all you lot who have started at a new college or school, or are just going back to a new term in school are enjoying you lives.

I sorta really miss alot of my friends that I have left behind but I am happy to be at this point in my life and everything I've done soo far is worth being here and all my mistakes and regrets I would never change because I wouldn't know or be with the amazing people who fill my days and thoughts now.

I'll Blog more later when I get home.

Have a great day everyone!

xxxxXXXXXxxxx

I'm sooooo tired because I didn't sleep at all last night, all I could hear was some really loud random beeping all night which sounded like it was coming from a lorry or something, and I've been on the computer since half past five and I'm gonna go get ready for my first day of college in a bit.

I'm really not used being up at this time, it feels really surreal, anyway I'm gonna go, but I'll blog later and tell you folk all about my wonderful day at college.

xxxXXXxxx

How Can I Live?

I call for you from far away
I call for you all through the day.
Why do you lie there ignoring my
Screams?
or am I just lingering around
in your dreams?
I'm waiting for you to give me an answer,
I need your guidance to help Me Live,
But am I Alive? or am I just
your sweet Love Ghost
And I've Come To Say GOODBYE.

a couple a months ago I posted this on a poetry website and I've now won atrophy and some award money for it, I think it's kinda lame but if  it's good enough to win award I guess it's kinda good, I post some other poems soon.

xXx

Anyway... I'm in such a random and crazy mood like I just wanna scream and run around throwing stuff at people, but I'm trying to control myself till I finish this blog... I wanna jump up and Dance or like really hurt myself because I feel invincable like no matter what I do today nothing can hurt me.

Anyway I've gotta keep focus..

I did the most embaressing thing today, I feel like such a loser, well I rang my friend Emily but her younger sister picked up, who by the way sounds just like Emily, anyhow, I thought is was emily even though she said it wasn't her but I was like ' Come on emily, This ain't funny anymore' and the girl was like, 'this isn't Emily, she's at college' and I'm just like whatever, and I carried on arguing with this poor girl for like 5 minutes till she got really upset and was like 'why will you not believe, this is NOT EMILY' and by the sound of her pissed off voice I finally grasped that she was telling the truth and that in fact I had spent the last 5 minutes abusing her little sister. I had nothing to say so I was like' OK..well erm..sorry' and I hung up and just couldn't stop laughing at how much of a loser I am.

well anyway.. trust that to happen to me, oh god I'm such a fool.

I'll write again today, but a bit later

see you!!!!!!!!!

xxxxXXXXXXxxxx  

Hey Bloggers, it's about 10 past 1 at night and I thought I'd give you todays doseage of my life.

Well today I went to this other city to visit some family, well actually to shop, because there is nothing descent in the shit hole that is my home town. Well anyway ...

Don't you hate when family go on holiday and buy you all these crappy souvineirs that they think are great and you're like 'Oh yay... another piece of crap to take up space in my waste bin!'

Well any how, this year I didn't get any shit gifts probably due to my past history of shamless complaints. WHAT A DISAPOINTMENT!

well I got like a t-shirt and like some other crappy thing which I'm not quite sure whether I should be wearing or sweeping the floor with.

Though I have complaned my day hasn't actually been that bad.

I have now decided that starting college doesn't really bother me that much if anything I'm now quite looking forward to it. Life's funny like that, the way a circumstance can change your whole view on things.

For the past couple of days I have been really missing my Mum, I know this may like a random topic, but it only just occured to me how much, everytime I think I should call her I put it off and then just hope her motherly intuition will help her feel that I need her right now.

I live thousands of miles away from all the people I love, and sometimes I wonder if there is a written purpose for that, but i suppose that's just the way things are.

I'm wondering for what to talk about next but I can't think, and my cousins just lying there looking at me as though think 'take your time...'  

Have any of you realised how easy it is in life to forget and let go without even realising what is going on till it's to late and you think to yourself 'If only I had noticed...I could have changed it' but when circumstances fly by it's to late to change anything and then you live in remorse for the rest of your life or at least till you get over it and move on, but if not your sentenced to a life of misery and regret.

And YES I know I blwing this out of proportion but it's late and I ramble crap when I'm tired I talk about random misdirected thoughts in my head.

I gonna go because my cousin want to Blog for herself and she's getting impatient so I'll love you and leave you.

xxxXXXxxx  

I seem to be waiting for something, though I'm not quite sure what that is.

Keep wondering What is it I'm Doing, where am I going, how am I gonna get there, it's seems i'm taking baby steps towards the person I'm supposed to be... the person I'm becoming, but who is that, it doesn't look or feel like me. My reflection is very distorted.

I seem to be fixated on something invisible, while my world is crashing down around me falling in tiny pieces while more circumstances of life go by crushing them into smaller pieces.

I'm trying to rely on myself, I've recently began detaching myself from support or love, i'm shutting down, mainly to try and learn to go it alone, but the odds are against me and I do't seem to do well alone.

At the moment I'm in depressed mode, which is why I'm listening to Stevie nicks & tom petty, which is saying something. 'Stop Draggin' my heart around' If you were wondering.

My friends spent all yesterday or should I say early this morning, giving advice about my life and trying to push me in the right direction, and I spent the whole night ignoring them, I know they care and YES I should be taking their advice, but instead I decide to do things my way, which I know is wrong.

I've made so many mistakes in my life an I feel I may be making one now. but another mistake won't make a big deal of difference, one more won't break me.

I just realised I do like The Smiths, well one song which I didn't even realise was by them even though I've liked it for ages, How soon is now,  Which A Hundred reasons did  very good cover of, but my favourite version was done by The Psychedelic furs.

Anyway I'll post again very soon.

Hey I'm a new Bloger so I probably will talk a load of crap.

Anyway..

Today must be the boringest day ever.

Have you ever just woke up and asked yourself 'Why am I still here?' or 'Why am I still doing this?'

and I don't mean this in the sense of existance, I mean the life that you are leading and the stuff you are putting yourself through purely because you think that's the way things are meant to be.

It really frustrates me the feeling of being trapped, when it's actually you in control.