I hate it when people fucks with my mind. It’s so freaking frustrating and it irritates the shit out of me. Mind games. Annoying childish fucking mind games. Guys are good in that. In fact, they are great in that!!

So when a friend mentioned that I, me, moi, mua am playing a fucking childish mind games, I was stunned. Shocked. Even confused. Me? Mind games? That so doesn’t go together. It’s like eating durians with lasagna. Strawberries with fried onions. It’s so wrong!!

“Michelle, if you don’t stop playing mind games, and messing around with people’s heads and feelings, sooner or later you’ll run out of poor lil’ bastards to play around with.”

WHAT?

I don’t play mind games.

That’s so not me.

I’m an angel. You can refer to my resume.

“Wha…what you mean by mind games? I don’t screw around with peoples’ minds or feelings.”

Then, I was given the most sarcastic look of all. Man, that hurts.

I started the conversation complaining that I haven’t found anyone interesting or worth thinking about since like…forever!! My comforting friend then told me I’m the world’s most fussy, picky and fucking mind-wrecking and head-screwing bitch he’s ever known.

I took that with dignity. I tried arguing, and then defending myself but then I realized.. my friend was right. Well..a little.

I guess for the past few months, I’ve been..well..either too occupied with work or too occupied scanning through every guy I just met like a scanner in a supermarket. Well, a girl can’t help but be more careful. With all the losers and creeps I’ve met throughout my life, I just have to make sure I don’t get myself locked up in another fucked up relationship again.

But maybe I’m just hoping for too much. The thing is, I was deeply hurt in the past ‘so-called-relationship’ that I had with this guy whom I thought could and would be the guy of my dreams. That’s when he started messing around with my feelings, playing silly mind games with me..making me sit at home and wondering when he’ll call or if he’s gonna call at all. Will he kiss me and make my knees go weak again? Will he make me smile with just a simple message?

All those mind-wrecking thoughts and questions were flowing in and out of my head. I was sore, heart-broken, depressed and even angry when I fnally came to my senses and made the decision that he’s just another player. Someone that would only want me for a company and nothing more. Someone he can treat more than a friend when he’s ‘up to it’ and just a friend when he feels like it. And sometimes even… treats me like I’m nothing at all…just because he can.

No one really knew how badly hurt I was during that period of time, partly because I never told anyone how I really felt about him and also because I covered it up so well, that my friends all thought I was over him within a day. But, I hurt a long time, and I still hurt till now.

Maybe because of that incident, I promised myself to never ever hurt again, never allow myself to be played around with and end up looking and feeling like a fool for a guy… it was all just too much.

And maybe my friend was right, I was being a little too picky and suspicious whenever I meet someone new. I’m just afraid I would get hurt again. But maybe it’s time for me to realize that not all guys are the same.

And that I should stop being a supermarket scanner.