I am a serial-non-commitist, if there is such a thing.  School, work, friends, boyfriends,  I have a very difficult time commiting to anything for very long, and a very little chance of seeing anything through to the end.   Am I keeping my options open, taking time to decide what I really want ? Or....scary...and I in a stall pattern that will last....forever?  

My conclusion at this point is, there is no such thing as a perfect job, very few people find a career they REALLY love, and love? well that whole soulmate idea is just a fabulous illusion.

This is not to say there's not days when I really enjoy my job,  in fact, I really enjoy it most of the time.  But I strongly believe that JUST BECAUSE WE'RE GOOD AT SOMETHING DOES NOT MEAN THAT WE HAVE TO BE DOING IT.   How would we ever learn anything new?

Words have the power to both destroy and heal. When words are both true and kind, they can change our world.
-- Buddha.

....And the truth will set you free.   But what if the truth hurts ?  Do we always want to know the truth from someone we care and trust, if, in the end we know we will be hurt ? 

When I was in my early teens, I was not the nicest girl. I never made up LIES about anyone..actually, If anything, I shared the truth with EVERYONE...whether it was someones secret or not.  I think now about all the feelings I probably hurt, confidence I drained......and well, enemies I made........regrets catch up to you.  Proving that telling the "truth" is not always the best option.

But in a more sensitive area.  In a marriage, or even a dating relationship, would you WANT that person to tell you if he/she was having an affair.....or even, not going THAT far...Would you want them to tell you, if maybe they just weren't that attracted to you anymore ???

If your relationship is seemingly great, there is the carefully calculated budget, the living arrangements, HELL, the LIFE arrangements that are all in perfect balance...would you rather be deceived, and keep a 'happy' version of your life together...Or would you want to uproot everything.

I guess these things all depend on the time frame, the amount of 'arrangements' at risk, and well, the amount of love and forgiveness in a relationship.

Sorry to the Beatles,  But at what point does LOVE not become 'all you need." ?????

Until Next Time.....Jennabean

"All you need is love, all you need is love,
All you need is love, love, love is all you need."

 Tonite, I cant stop thinking. Not about anything in particular...

We have 2 kittens.  The one, Gizmo is a lazy cat.  Sleeps , eats, poops.  Hyde, on the other hand, is a basketcase.   The rebellious, playful, energetic kitten.   We've got the best of both worlds.   Guess which one is the loudest ?

Gizmo.  She Meows when she's hungry and has no food, She meows when she wants to find a spot to get comfortable to sleep, she Meows when her litter box is full haha.........And its a SIREN meow.

   But then again, isnt it better to be able to tell people what you want ?   To identify a goal and not stop until you obtain it. If you can't clarify what you really need, (and if you do) cant communicate it with others, how else can you really be happy ?

I have a tough time communicating.  From getting across what I'm thinking in a conversation, to explaining my feelings in an arguement...Its tough for me.  Lack of communication can be a real wall builder.  In friend ships, in the workplace, and especially in a relationship.  Maybe lack of communication is a result of lack of clarity in my life. hmmm....

Clarity.  My friend and I are talking about that on msn right now as I write this.   How do you find clarity in your life ?   My boyfriend plays hockey. Very well... and he describes those 3 hours on the ice as an escape.  In those moments he knows what he doing, and what he has to do and for those 3 hours, everything makes sense.

So who am I ? Who are you ?  Msn sometimes is the dumbest place to have a conversation, and sometimes the best.  and she made a good point..... 

 " But I think you need to know who you are before you act like YOU.  You cant pinpoint who you are by your actions. I think it goes the other way around"

  "The true story of every person in this world is not the story you SEE, the external story...The true story of each person is the journey of his or her heart. "

That is the tone of this blog.  What is a blog ? What I've been doing lately ? Well, if you want to know THAT call me, lets chat.  I've found weird comfort writing something here, rather than speaking.

I've been thinking a lot about that first paragraph lately.  What defines myself?  When (if at any time) I have really been myself, or if I really havent even found security in the real ME yet.....

Has my life been a variety of plays, and costumes that I have put on, scripts I have played the part of for each person I meet ? Sometimes I think so.

   "[Our] original shimmering self gets buried so deep we hardly live out of it at all...rather, we learn to live out of all the other selves which we are constantly putting on and taking off like coats and hats against the worlds weather."   - Frederick Buechner, Telling Secrets 

There is a moment in particular, when my eyes met with yours, and you know who you are, where I felt most at peace with myself.  In that first glance, my being was radically changed.  Something in my stomach fluttered and I have never been the same since.  I will always remember, and treasure, that moment.  I keep it dear to me, in the depths.