MaDD Blogger

The ABCs of Hooking Up

For the past 2 weeks I've been hooked on ABC's new 5 part summer series Hooking Up which follows 11 women through an entire year of online dating though they did do a segment on speed dating which I found interesting. It's the online dating that really sparked my interest in this show since I have delved into this cess pool a few times myself.

All of the free services that I offer are set up to run independently of each other at MaDD HaTT Entertainment so alot of you may not realize that I own the online dating community Onetolove.net. Onetolove.net was the third site that I added to MaDD HaTT back in December of 2002 after I had spent yet another miserable Christmas alone. Damn Valentine's Day curse, it always fucks with me. This one broke around March when I got a  phone call  from my former fiance Lenea. Anyway I figured since I owned an online dating site that has a database of several hundred thousand available women what would be the harm of putting my profile up there for everyone to see. In retrospect I've put more thought into what pair of jeans I'm going to wear to the supermarket.

Back to the show. My 3 favorite ladies from the first show were Cynthia a 33 year old hair salon manager from New York, Lisa a 36 year old Gynecologist from NYC, and Amy a 28 year old Real Estate Broker from South Dakota who is now conquering the big city.

Cynthia was one of my favorites but truthfully I found her to be vile in a TV villain kind of way. A full out bitch on wheels that sits around wondering why she can't find a relationship that lasts longer than a night in the sack. Parts 1 and 2 both end with her text messaging some guy that just wants a booty call but some of the funniest parts of the show have Cynthia involved. She goes out first with this guy Andrew, a self-described slim Fabio who looked more like a balding Kenny G on a really bad night. Cynthia points out that he looks nothing like his description and photo which he admits was taken about 15 years earlier (smooth move Ex-lax!).

Andrew was eating his dinner but couldn't help but notice that Cynthia was nowhere to be seen so he thought she bailed on him by climbing out the bathroom window. In truth she was in the bathroom arranging to have one of her friends call her to fake an emergency so she could get out of the date. Andrew was lame but he wasn't stupid, he knew what she was doing. I had a girl named Megan pull this shit on me before. She had her roommate call her at a certain time to make sure everything was cool, if it wasn't she would make up an emergency and end the date. She stayed so I got past the first hurdle and we went to the movies and then she said that she had to get home to study so we ended the date and I was home by 10:30. I tried to hang myself but the rope broke. About a week later she broke things off saying I was "too nice". God I hate dating.

The photo thing with Andrew brought back another bad memory. The first time I put my profile online I left out a few key details and did not add a photo. I then started contacting women who of course wanted more info so then I threw in the key height weight stuff and a photo and then they would fade into the sunset. Then I met this chick katzeyes2000 and we started talking. After a few emails she gave me her number and then we talked on the phone. I tried to be as honest as possible and then she told me that she wasn't sure that I would like her because she was a big girl. I told her that wasn't a problem because I was a big guy. Something I haven't mentioned is that when I saw Kat's picture I wasn't very impressed but I liked what she wrote on her profile so I said the hell with it and took a chance. My photo still wasn't up on the site yet and she kept asking me what I looked like and I kept telling her. This is why I now have a standing rule to always have my photo posted with my profile now. You can tell a girl "I'm 580 pounds I have one arm and I'm a cross between Eddie Murphy in The Nutty Professor with hair braided like Denzel Washington in Training Day" and her mind will take all that information in and only hear "He's a cross between Eddie Murphy and Denzel Washington!".

Kat kept wanting to meet me but I thought it was too soon. I was hoping to get to know her better over the phone to help break down some of those over expectations, let her get to know me as a real person and not some myth that she built up in her head. Kat kept on insisting so I gave her directions to my home. I opened the door and saw the look of disappointment in her face. I don't think I'm a bad looking guy and I have women that hit on me all the time but I'm not for everybody and I know that. I just think she expected too much. She told me that she had a boyfriend and thought that we could at least be friends. Of course it was all a lie. Why would she post on a singles site and then drive all that way to meet someone she just wanted to be friends with.

Cynthia next tries her hand at speed dating. You get a group of singles in a room and sit everyone at tables to talk to each other for 5 or 10 minutes at a time, when the bell goes off you have to switch tables but if you liked that person you write their name on a card to be turned in at the end of the night. If both people write the others name down you have a match and the host provides the contact info to both parties. I've heard this shit can get expensive and have seen parties like this listed for as much as 100 bucks. You pay that just to get in and if you don't meet anyone you're just ass out for the cash.

Cynthia meets this guy Francis and they make a match. She goes out to grab a bite with him and she turns into this real ubber bitch on him. She became really argumentative, one of those "Men can't handle a strong Women" types. I've always found this to be bullshit as sometimes a bitch is just a bitch and it has nothing to do with being strong or assertive. She liked this guy and then tears him to shreds and wonders why she can't find a man. They argue for a few more minutes and then she gets up and walks out on him. Cynthia appears to be a real ball breaker and to quote that Pope from The Godfather 3 " You're sins are terrible and it is just that you suffer.". Hopefully she'll figure that shit out in the next 3 episodes.

Lisa for the most part was boring but I mention her because she's a big fucking liar. She says her name is Jennifer, doesn't post her photo, and lies about being a doctor saying that she's a student instead because she says her career messes with her love life. She must have wrote something decent because she got a few bites. Lisa's best date was this guy Doug who was a plastic surgeon. He started telling her about his job and she let a few medical terms slip and he knew something wasn't right but she kept lying. The date was going well so she told him her real name and then she told him that she was a doctor too. Doug was a nice guy about the lies but then he cut his losses. Smart move Doug!

Amy is waaaaay too needy. She is desperate to find Mr.Right get married and have kids and has this stupid thing where she will sleep with a guy early on and then withhold further sex until the guy agrees to an exclusive relationship. You don't build lasting relationships through ultimatums. On the ABC website it has this as her requirements for a love match "You are single / a non-smoker / have graduated college / live alone / like animals / are not overweight / are confident / do not live with your mother / are professionally employed / don't own any video games / don't drink beer on a daily basis / don't spend sunny days watching sports / go to sleep at a reasonable hour / are a morning person / don't listen to rap music / don't have bad breath / are taller than 5'6" / are funny / polite / attractive / straight / and willing to take me out this Thursday afternoon!".

Good luck finding that guy. I hear he's on Jupiter or some other god forsaken place where they don't speak english. Did I mention she's on medication because she didn't when one of her dates made a joke about anti-depressants. I'm sure she would have told him the truth but the relationship was over by the second show. I'll be keeping an eye on Amy from now on and if the producers are smart they'll keep her away from any sharp objects.

Mental Note:

{ 11:42 PM, July 22, 2005 } { Posted by }

1)Continue to shun reality T.V. 2) Tell hubby what a fantastic guy he is
3)Hide the knives from Amy 4) Carry on Antonio :OP

Edited by mommyrn on July 23, 2005 at 12:43 AM