MaDD Blogger

Inas

Have you ever noticed that the harder you try not to think of someone the harder it is not to? It's been 3 months since Inas and I stopped seeing each other and I still miss her so much. I am trying to move on and there is someone that I think might be interested in dating me but there is a part of me that feels like I'm cheating on Inas when I talk to this woman. She was my everything, my best foot forward. We overcame so much to be together. I didn't understand why at the time but she kept our relationship secret for her family. I know why now.

Growing up in the south I used to think the only people that hated blacks were whites here and in Europe and that when other races immigrated here they were taught whether directly or indirectly to hate and mistrust blacks. In the end I found out that people are just people. Some are good some aren't, some are racist some aren't. I have long hoped that if I traveled abroad that I would see what Malcolm X talked about in the last few years of his life, people of all races living together in peace as he saw on his pilgramige to Mecca. Richard Pryor actually experienced life changing awareness after going to Africa and being exposed to African culture for the first time. It was only when he returned to this country after being away that he was able to see America with new eyes. I feel that in some ways it is our diversity that breeds racism. With so many diverse cultures under one roof people are more likely to seek out their own and instead of becoming a melting pot you become a pot filled with oil and water existing in the same pool but separated.

Inas was born in Jordan and came to the states when she was a child. I knew nothing of Arab culture when I met her and thought that all Arabs were of Muslim faith. Inas' family were of Christian faith though some of the old world traditions such as arranged marriage were still practiced so imagine her mother's shock when our relationship was revealed after hiding it for a year and that her daughter was carrying my child. I have never experienced such open racism from any person of any race as I did from Inas' mom. Inas even confessed to me that when her mother first discovered that she was pregnant the first thing she asked was if the father was white.

Inas' skin was light especially when compared to other Arabs I've seen. In fact I remember people actually being shocked when I told them that she was Arab. It was as if I had betrayed them since after meeting her they had assumed that she was white. Maybe they let her in on a few "club secrets" that they shouldn't have. I say this because I know when I'm around all black people our discussions on race are different than when people of other races are present. I've dated white women before and even today you still get looks when you walk into a restaurant. I thought because Inas was Arab that these looks would go away and they did...sort of, I would at first get the "white girl dating a black guy look" and then some of them would talk to us and find out that she was not white and all of a sudden it was okay for us to date. Inas' sister even dated a white guy that she went to school with and her mother allowed the relationship to exist openly until she found out that her daughter was having sex with this guy. If he had just followed the right customs Inas said that her mother might have allowed these two to be married down the line. But a dark skin child could not be allowed and would not be accepted in the family and with the first trimester approaching something had to be done quickly.

Inas' mother contacted a doctor that she knew and arranged for her daughter to have an abortion. Inas of course refused at first but she was so young and she and her mother were so close that she gave in and on December 17, 2004 my child was aborted 10 days short of the first trimester. I forgave Inas after all she was afraid. Her mother went so far as to say that her family would kill Inas and the child if they found out that she was pregnant. Inas had given this same reason to me when I asked why we couldn't just tell her family the truth about us. I loved Inas and wanted to marry her but she always said that her family would never allow the marriage to take place. I then found out that Inas' mother would have allowed her to carry the child to term if I had been white. After all they had been trying to get her married off and pregnant for a while anyway and she always resisted their attempts at matchmaking. This way they get the grandchild that they wanted and since the child would be fair skinned Inas' grandparents would accept this as well because they were desperate for her to have a child and anyone in the family that had a problem with the pregnancy would be held in check because they were the heads of the family and all the final decisions on marriage and family would go to them.

In the hours before the abortion I found myself for the first time in my life wishing that I was white. The color of my skin was directly responsible for the death of my child. How many people can say that? My relationship with Inas was on thin ice after that and her mother made sure of it. She would call my house and see if Inas was with me or just stop by unannounced which made Inas afraid to come over. She pulled her car keys and had her dropped off and picked up at work. I know Inas loved me but she loved the freedom that being the oldest child gave her and being around me reminded her of the baby and she would cry. I was heart broken I knew that I was losing her and was powerless to stop it and on Valentines Day I saw Inas for the very last time. There is a part of me that feels so empty without her but I have to move on don't I?

This particular blog has been sitting around unfinished for months. I simply wasn't strong enough to finish it but I felt like I needed to finish it finally and face the truth once and for all. I've always been told that god never puts more on your shoulders than you can handle but this was and still is quite a load. I know that even when I do finally become a parent I will think of Inas and the child that I lost.