MaDD Blogger

He touched me...

When I was a kid I got into a lot of trouble. I never really liked school in fact I took every opportunity I could to skip. It became such a problem that I was brought before the juvenile court system. I was locked up a few times in juvenile hall and eventually my mom had had enough and petitioned the court to send me Tennessee Preparatory School in Nashville. TPS was located in Nashville at 1200 Foster Avenue right next to the Tennessee Bureau of Investigation in fact the buildings that TBI now uses used to be TPS's high school boys dormitory. I was there for the next 3 years trying to get my shit together and I did. TPS changed the course of life for the better. If I had not gone there the my life would be completely different. I was deeply saddened a few years ago to hear that TPS was closing it's doors after being open for over a century. I can only imagine how many young people like myself will not be steered towards the right path without a place like TPS to guide them there.

I signed up for Co-Op my Senior year because I was behind in credits since I had missed so much school. That class was worth a double credit which combined with summer school would give me enough credits to actually graduate on time. All I needed was a job that worked me at least 20 hours a week which I found at Hardee's on Bell Road. A couple of months in I met Tonya on campus at one of the student mixers that we were always having. She was this cute little blond with a great smile although when I met her she was having a bad hair day. We just seemed to click right away. I've never met someone that I hit it off with so quickly. At the end she told me what dorm she was in and told me to give her a call. I did and we started seeing each other, I even worked her into my lunch room table which took me 2 years to set up the right way.

I was never very popular at school but after hundreds of painful lunches I found a group of guys that I could sit with and have a great lunch with. My main man George Ramsey and and my roommate Johnny Wagner. George was from Chattanooga and Johnny was an Alabama boy like me. I was born in Huntsville and he was from Fort Payne and one of his cousins was in the country group Alabama. Johnny wasn't rolling in the dough though as he had only met this cousin a few times when he was younger but he said that his cousin had a nice house though. This is the second time I had brought one of my girlfriends to the lunch table. The year before I had brought my girlfriend Dayna to sit with us a few times and George HATED her and now I'm bringing a new victim to sit with us. I thought everything would be cool because I had brought Johnny into our sitting arrangement and George liked him so we made it a permanent thing. With Tonya however it was a different story.

As much as I loved Tonya she didn't have very much going on upstairs and I'm being kind there. I could have sat a plant at the table with us and gotten a better conversation. George had a very wry sense of humor and he would always throw little wise cracks out there to see if you were paying attention. I was one of the few people that caught him in the act all the time and he loved it but this time I was pissed. George was killing Tonya right there to her face and she had no clue what was going on. He even did one of those "Is anybody home?" waves right in her face and she just laughed and said she was having a blonde moment. She got up to dump her tray and I layed into him good. George said "Come on Tone. She's not very smart man. You've got to see that. Even Dayna wasn't that dumb.". Then I said "But you hated Dayna" which caused Johnny to weigh in "Tone he's right man. I'll be the first one to admit that I don't catch everything that George says when we hang out, but some of that shit was pretty obvious man. I've been sitting here the whole time trying not to laugh but man that girl is duuuuumb!". Regardless they knew I liked her so they kept their mouths shut and she sat with us a few more times but she started making some friends in some of her classes and wanted to sit with them so I was cool with that.

Tonya had earned Level 3 status which allowed her to get a job off campus. I was always in trouble but I was a Senior and in Co-Op so I could work even if I was on punishment which I always was. I pulled some strings and got her hired at Hardee's with me. It was going pretty well and we reached our one month anniversary. I was in love and she told me that she loved me and all was right on heaven and earth. We had just gotten off and called for the van to come an pick us up which means it was make out time in the break room. It had never gone very far between us outside of some heavy kissing but she was sitting there and she had this "to die for" look on her face. I leaned in and we started going at it. Everything just seemed different this time and while I was leaning in my hand brushed up against her chest and I stopped dead in my tracks. This was virgin territory for both of us as we had never went further than kissing and I didn't want to mess things up between us so I apologized. She said it was cool and then I said "How cool is it?" and she pulled her shirt out of her pants and the next thing you know I was rounding first base and heading for second. Then she grabbed my crotch and I barely remember anything after that. I kind of blanked out after that it was getting pretty heated between us. There was no sex just a bunch of heavy petting but I was 17 and on cloud 9 and just when it was getting even steamier this guy Jim came to the back and told us our ride was here. Normally it can take as much as 30 or 45 minutes for them to get there but it had only been about 10 minutes. Some of our other students had gotten off their jobs and called for a pickup already so they were in the area when we called. I was pissed. Nobody has as bad a run a luck as me. It was about to get worse.

Valentine's day was right around the corner and little did I know that this would be the start of a 13 year long streak that wouldn't be broken until I met Inas. I am always single on Valentine's day. I meet a woman and start dating her and we always seem to break up sometime before Valentine's day. Whether it happened 6 months or 6 days before I go into a dating freeze and all women avoid me like the plague until after the 14th and then I'm golden again. Inas and I broke up on Valentine's day so I'm curious to see what new version of the curse this brings me.

Back to the story. Valentine's day was coming and I was already thinking about what I was going to get for Tonya. All of a sudden I started getting these weird vibes from her. They let us take a lunch break together and we talked. She said that it scared her that we were getting so close and that the last time she was this close to someone they died in a car crash. She started crying and pulled this newspaper clipping out of her purse that was about her old boyfriend. She said that I was really sweet and that she didn't want to hurt me but she thinks that she got into this relationship with me too soon and needed a break. I was devastated. I mean this fucked up everything. Tonya was supposed to be my prom date for Christ's sake. There were a little over 300 kids on campus over 60 percent were guys and a third of the girls were in middle school so my options were very limited but our relationship was over and Tonya quit her job.

I'm always getting dumped. For me to break up with a girl she has to do something really drastic...like murder a member of my family or some shit. I once dated a girl who was a recovering crack addict. She slipped a few times and even checked herself into the hospital for treatment and when she got out I was like "You know babe, this crack thing is kinda getting out of hand. I know you're trying to get help and I don't want to be bailing on your bitch ass in your time of need but do you think that you could maybe...oh I don't know...NOT smoke crack anymore? I'd really appreciate it. I'm not trying put any demands on you and shit but just...just think about it OK? Love ya!". It would be funnier if it wasn't the truth.

Fast forward a few weeks and there is all this buzz in the halls as I walk by. It's a small campus so any news is big news. I had known that Tonya had started hanging with this idiot David that I used to share a dorm with. The night before David had snuck down to the girls dorms and fucked Tonya. Her roommate told on her the next morning but hey at least she let her finish first right? We hadn't been broken up very long maybe about 3 weeks at the most so it was strange considering the waterworks she put on when we broke up but what's done is done. They both got huge contracts to work off as punishment. About a week later I went to the VIC (Visitors Information Center) to pick up a package and there was Tonya raking up leaves to work off her contract. We looked at each other and I just kept on walking.

It would be nice if it just ended there wouldn't it but as the year came to a close I again arrived at school and heard whispers as I walked the hall. This time it was little different because I couldn't help but notice that some of the Teachers were shooting me looks this time along with the students. Something was up and anyone that knew me knew that it was a rare event that something happened on campus that I didn't know about. Who liked who, who was sleeping with who, you name it I knew it. There was a dorm parent that was having an affair with a member of the rec room staff and I knew it before her husband did. I always loved my last year at TPS because it was my best year. The Seniors got to do stuff that the other kids didn't so of course everyone wanted to be a Senior and unlike my previous 2 years I was extremely well known all over campus but something was up and for once I was out of the loop.

All through the day I kept putting my feelers out there trying to gather info. Everybody was coming up dry but they all said that there was a rumor going around about me but they couldn't find out what. Finally somebody had a line on something. My friend Larry was dating this girl Juanita who lived in the same cottage that Tonya stayed in. Juanita liked me. We were always cool so she told Larry what she had heard but Larry refused to repeat it.

I decided to have lunch with Larry and Juanita and that's when I found out what had happened. Tonya had been talking to her dorm parent and told her that I had tried to rape her in the break room at Hardee's and that if Jim hadn't come back there when he did she doesn't know what would have happened. This is the same night that I so fondly wrote about before. I was blown away and this had spread to the staff this time so I was confused as to what to do. I went to Tonya and asked her about it directly and she said it was lie. She said that she had talked about us and our working together but she said that she never claimed that I tried to rape her. I said that I thought we ended on good terms and she agreed with that.

The fact of the matter is Juanita knew things she shouldn't have known so I knew I wasn't getting the full truth from Tonya. We had had a student get arrested and thrown off campus for a false rape accusation during my first year. They had been dating and got into an argument and he hit her so she cried rape as revenge. He got arrested and the police investigated and found that there was no evidence that he had ever tried to rape her but he had assaulted her. She decided not to press charges and he was released from jail and asked to leave campus.

TPS was a state run school and once you become 18 you are no longer a ward of the state so the Seniors are there by choice unlike the other students and could request a release at anytime after their 18th birthday. I didn't want that to happen to me so I made some VERY vocal denials in front of the right people and let nature take it's course. I was fortunate that it went away and I was able to graduate and move on with my life.

The incident with Tonya made me quite a bit gun shy around women for a long time. I wouldn't even hold a girls hand without asking for permission first. Maybe I was too aggressive that night. I've replayed that night 1000 times since it first happened but what I can't do is see that night through Tonya's eyes. Perception is everything after all. What some find offensive others find humorous so there's a part of me that will always wonder what happened. Perhaps I'll never know.

He Touched Me

{ 2:34 PM, July 15, 2005 } { Posted by Sydney }

Hey MaDDHaTT,
You have a TN girl here (not far from you). As for Tonya. Well I'd chalk it up to her not having "very much going on upstairs". You never can tell what may have been going on in her head even though she did "invite" you so to speak.
But I have and I'm sure you have too thanked God that someone listened to you and you were able to stay and graduate. I for one am very proud for you. I'd be honored if you would consider adding me to your list of friends. I intend to add you for sure. I have read every word of your blog so far. YOu absolutely fascinate me. Keep on keepin on as they say.
Sydney
http://ablogfromthesouth.typepad.com/

Made you think...

{ 9:55 PM, July 15, 2005 } { Posted by mommyrn }

You are responsible for others perception of you. I likes you Maddhatt! You are a stand-up guy. Carry on.

our pasts

{ 9:26 AM, July 17, 2005 } { Posted by Mike, Dorothy's hubby }

Our lives in our past, determines who we are for the rest of our lives. Without having those experiences, we would not be us. I believe in destiny to a degree and with that in mind, some things in our life are put there for a reason. It forms who are and will be, for the rest of our lives and we cannot change that, no matter how hard we may try. Some of those "happenings" seem to mark a distinct change that we will see as a turning point in our life and it seems that this was one for you. We cannot change the past, but we can learn from it and it will shape who we are.
I was a single parent for many years and I still dont know why it happened, but it did. I raised my children alone from the time they were infants. It shaped me to be who I am and has made me a MUCH better person than if I had not been thrown into that situation. It is not something that I would have ever wished for, but I would not give up that "happening" in my life for anything. I am now VERY happily married and my children are doing well also. If that "happening" had NOT happened, where would I be now and what kind of person would I be?

Thanks everyone...

{ 2:15 PM, July 17, 2005 } { Posted by maddhatt }

What happened back then definitely made me think. I've told that story to women friends of mine and got some surprising answers. Some of them admitted to being in similar situations with men.

They were alone and while they did like the person they only wanted to cuddle and maybe let him get a little more familiar with his surroundings but once it started the guy got all excited and started taking it further than they had intended. Rather than risk being sexually assaulted they gave in and ended up sleeping with these men. That really made me think as I have been told by several friends that I intimidate people just by my size. I outweigh most people I meet by at least 100 or more pounds. That may have happened with Tonya. She did let me go under her shirt but maybe that was as far as she wanted it to go and was too afraid to tell me to stop.

I've been wanting to share this story for a while but the subject matter is a bit controversial. I'm glad I did now.