Life In My Empty Nest

            1) NUDITY
            I was driving with my three young children one warm summer
            evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up
            and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the
            shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom!
            That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

            2) OPINIONS
            On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his
            teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions
            expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his
            parents."

            3) KETCHUP
            A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar.
            During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her
            4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy can't come
            to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the
            bottle."

            4) MORE NUDITY
            A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the
            women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst
            into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for
            cover The little boy watched in amazement and then asked,
            "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

            5) POLICE # 1
            While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary
            school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years
            old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you
            a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report.
            "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the
            police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her.
            "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me,
            "would you please tie my shoe?"

            6) POLICE # 2
            It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in
            front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9
            partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring
            in at me "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It
            sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then
            towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

            7) ELDERLY
            While working for an organization that delivers lunches to
            elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on
            my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the
            various appliances of old age, particularly the canes,
            walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a
            pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself
            for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned
            and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

            8) DRESS-UP
            A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.
            When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy,
            you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You
            know that it always gives you a headache the next morning "

            9) DEATH
            While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our
            minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his
            collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his
            playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial
            should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton
            batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of
            the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the
            appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his
            version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be
            unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he
            goooes."

            10) SCHOOL
            A little girl had just finished her first week of school.
            "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't
            read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

            11) BIBLE
            A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated
            as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something
            fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at
            it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in
            between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called
            out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in
            the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's
            underwear."