Risquι Business: Many a starlet would scoff at the idea of donning a dress made entirely of recycled garter belts, but not Jessica Simpson. At the MTV Video Music Awards, the pervasive, perky-bottomed "Dukes of Hazzard" bombshell transforms herself into Beer Wench Barbie with these tragic black-and-white togs. Not even the dizzy soon-to-be-ex Mrs. Lachey could have thought that it was a smart idea to style a bewildering and bizarre mix of short-shorts, an exposed black lace bra, a ruffled and frilly Frederick's of Hollywood-style baby doll and platform shoes from the "Pretty Woman" streetwalking collection. (In her defense, perhaps her vision was obscured by the spiraling extensions unfortunately framing her face and the pound-and-a-half of kohl and mascara rimming her eyes.) Still, the most disturbing part of Jessica's getup is the nagging suspicion that her dad-manager-overlord Joe "You Can't Cover Those Suckers Up" Simpson probably helped her pick it out.

The Stone Age: Sharon Stone inexplicably goes from sexy to septuagenarian as she slouches towards fashion infamy at the Louis Vuitton runway show in Paris. Rumor has it that the erstwhile "Basic Instinct" flasher is wearing nothing but skin under her frumpy, oversized grey coat, which is apparently the outerwear of choice for elderly exhibitionists everywhere. Sharon pairs her jumbo jacket with a ginormous grandma-like purse seemingly stolen off the Olsen twins, whom she likely has stuffed into her bag along with a variety of biddy staples, including hard candies (in very crinkly wrappers, natch) and a jar of Metamucil (unopened, judging by the look on her face). The star accessorizes her atrocious attire with germ-deflecting grey gloves and a bodaciously bad combo of socks and heels, all of which seem designed to prevent her from catching her death of cold. Stone finishes off her crotchety couture with post-cataract-surgery sunglasses and a truly tragic floppy topper, which answers the age-old question of what evil would look like in hat form.

Double Trouble:
Math was never our strong suit, but we count two very pronounced problems with Nicollette Sheridan in this picture. We are, of course, referring to her psychedelic strapless flop of a watermelon-tinted frock (oooh, the colors, man, the colors) and her dangerously pointy matching shoes, which should immediately be returned to the cross-dressing leprechaun from whom they were stolen. What, you thought we were going to mention a different pair of problems, perhaps calling attention to the fact that Nicollette seems to be smuggling both Bruce Willis and Michael Chiklis under her barely there bodice? Give us a little credit, people. The "Desperate Housewives" man-eater more than lives up to her title as Mr. Blackwell's worst-dressed celebrity in this dress apparently styled from rhinestones and some melted Starburst. Too bad there weren't a few more of the fruit chews in the pack to cover up erstwhile Edie's humongous, uh, heart.

Funny Farm: Why is this woman smiling? Was the latest crop report favorable? Is there a special on hog rations at the feed store? Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas gets in touch with her inner 4-H club member and proves conclusively that overalls are a bad idea on anyone over the age of 2 (and even the OshKosh crowd should seriously consider ditching their denim after about 18 months). The sartorially challenged singer puts the "bum" in bumpkin with her sloppy one-piece, which she pairs with a barber's pole-inspired spandex halter, unevenly rolled cuffs, a forehead so shiny you could check your reflection in it and a severe, circulation-halting 'do that unfortunately comes off more reptilian than Rapunzel.

Damsel in Distress: Did Nicole Kidman take a wrong turn on the way to a summer solstice ceremony at Stonehenge? At the New York premiere of "Bewitched," the Oscar winner is just a floral head wreath and a pair of wings away from achieving nymph-hood in a virginal white YSL gown. While this frilly frock would be just the thing if you were in charge of taking tickets at a Renaissance fair, or were about to be sacrificed to a mythical monster, it's a touch too whimsical for the sophisticated 38-year-old actress. Kidman is also done in by her 10-pound, tri-strand necklace seemingly made from shiny new pennies, and her lightened locks, which put an unfortunate spotlight on her curiously smooth, unlined alabaster skin (seriously, Nic, it's called Mystic Tan -- try it).

Infantile Behavior:
Somewhere, a pre-schooler cries over her missing party dress and curses the name Serena Williams. The tennis star continues her losing streak on the red carpet in this jaw-droppingly inappropriate short and ruffled strapless number. Serena, for future reference, here are a few ways to tell if you're wearing the wrong dress. When it looks like you just jumped out of a cake -- and the cake got stuck around your mid-section -- you're wearing the wrong dress. When the lamps in the room are styling shades that look similar to your frock but with a better fit, you're wearing the wrong dress. And when you try to downplay your powerful and shapely figure beneath garb so girly-girl it should get its own bottle of Midol, you're definitely wearing the wrong dress.

Southern Fried Starlet: Ashlee Simpson unveils a whole new look as she celebrates her all-important 21st birthday. Unfortunately, the hoe-downing, acid reflux-suffering pop starlet has decided to reinvent herself as a baby-faced exotic dancer with a peroxide addiction. Jessica's little sis hits the tawdry trifecta at her Las Vegas bash by donning a black negligee, fishnet stockings and blood red stilettos. The true tragedy, however, is Ashlee's bow-bedecked, cascading crispy coif, which looks more fried than a bucket of the Colonel's finest served up with a super-sized McNugget chaser.

Unicorn-y: Paris Hilton probably thought this tie-dyed, nightie-like number looked ethereal (assuming she knows what the word means), but with its strange globular pattern, it instead seems disconcertingly bacterial. Perhaps the id-driven Greek billion-heir enthusiast thought (assuming she thinks) this swirling, swarming dress would appeal to her core fan base of prepubescent girls, who likely have a soft spot for the busy pastel print because it's identical to the background on every single unicorn poster decorating their wall.

Sisterhood of the Vanishing Pants: Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, fed up with all those snippy comments about how their commitment to layered clothing makes them look more hobo than boho, make a drastic decision. Unfortunately, "pants optional" is rarely the solution to one's fashion problems (or any problem, for that matter). The pocket-sized siblings slip into something far too comfortable as they hit the red carpet in matching mini-tunics, with Ashley, left, opting for an ivory maternity tent and Mary-Kate donning a blobby beige garment bag. Despite their colossal couture, the twin teen titans still look as pretty as Uncle Jesse with a freshly fluffed mullet thanks to their refreshingly healthy glow, to-die-for accessories and hotter-than-hot heels.

Orange You Going to Put on Something Else?:
We could go for the easy Christo joke here, quipping that this must be where the saffron sheets from "The Gates" go to die, but Mariah Carey deserves -- scratch that -- demands better than that. The divalicious octave-jumper, who was apparently just teasing us with talk of a classy makeover, takes to the streets of New York in this Tang-tinted tragedy, which shows off her terrific figure and terrifically bad taste. The voluminous sleeves are perfect for keeping the little people from getting too close, while the fabric-collating center ring can serve double-duty as the leash holder for all her many minions. How tacky are these togs? They would have Cher, clad in a see-through Bob Mackie gown and 4-foot feathered headdress, shaking her head and sighing, "Honey, it's a bit gaudy."

The Jean Meanie: Scarlett Johansson might want to bone up on the phrase, "With friends like these, who needs enemies." The starlet strikes her patented pigeon-toed pose while wearing dire duds for designer-pal Tara Subkoff's Imitation of Christ runway show. It remains unclear just what heinous offense Scarlett committed against Tara that led the designer to dress the actress in a diaphanous tank top (good idea on the bra, sweetie) and -- oh people, we can barely say the words -- ultra-tapered, high-waisted jeans (shudder). The disastrous, airtight denim not only gives Scarlett a severe case of lap lines, but it also manages to destroy one of the most fabulous figures in Hollywood. It's a fashion crime that automatically earns these pants the most severe punishment available: banishment to the clearance rack at Talbots.

Muumuu Pooh-Pooh: We just don't understand Nicole Richie. The red carpet staple probably hasn't downed a decent meal in months, but instead of showing off the stomach-growling skin-and-bones result of her oh-so-careful carb-avoidance, she decides to cover up in what is either a kaleidoscopic clown costume (red nose and floppy shoes not included) or the biggest piece of spin art ever. Nicole is all bobble head, ropey neck and twig-like ankles in this motley, misshapen muumuu, which is so roomy it could fit both the starlet's sylphlike pal Mischa Barton and a much-needed stack of grilled cheese sandwiches.

Wash and Wear: We'd better just refer to Janet as "Ms. Jackson" from here on out, because things are about to get nasty. Sadly, the chanteuse is a mess from the top of her Jiffy-Pop hair (complete with limp, vision-obscuring bangs) to the bottom of her poufy striped skirt. Did Ms. Jackson glance at her shower curtain while preparing for her big photo op and think, "Hey, how great would I look in that?" And did she really think that attaching said curtain to her cute and curvy figure -- thereby making her hips and legs appear several feet wider than they actually are -- would be flattering? Toss in that mismatched knotted shirt stolen off the back of Joanie from "Happy Days" and you have togs more tragic than a slumber party at Neverland.

Purple People Eater: Madonna takes her passion for persona swapping to a catty new level at the premiere of "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire" by co-opting an alter ego from an entirely different species. With her bloomers, jaunty jacket and flashy footwear, the preternaturally preserved, purple pushing pop icon is just a feathered cap, sword and some catnip away from swashing some buckles as Puss in Boots. Alas, this giant hairball of an ensemble is more costume than couture and should be immediately dangled in front of the nearest claw-baring feline to use as a scratching post.

The Young and the Dress-less: The red carpet can be a cruel and unforgiving place, a place where a flurry of flashbulbs can transform an ordinary dress into a sheer disaster. Case in point: Mischa Barton, who learns the hard way that mesh and the press don't mix as she models a strapless black frock (the better for showing off clavicles that can slice cheese) that has turned see-through under the lights. Luckily, the "OC" starlet manages to hold on to most of her dignity thanks to an abundant sprouting of what appears to be fungi on the front of her unnecessarily complicated bodice. Barton fares little better with the rest of her look, from her ill-fitting column skirt, which somehow creates the illusion of bulk around her flat-as-a-pancake middle, to her sallow monochromatic makeup and "Dynasty"-inspired hair, which together make her appear far older than her 40 years. What's that you say? Mischa is only 19? Yeah, right, like we're gonna fall for that. You might as well tell us that Brad and Jen broke up. Say what?

Moo-ving Violations: Paging People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. You've already targeted Jennifer Lopez for using fur in her Sweetface fashion line, but what about all the innocent cows who gave their lives in order to create this desperately dire leather dress? The tri-toned, tent-like tragedy, which was seemingly stolen off the back of Wilma Flintstone, is so roomy she could fit diminutive hubby Marc Anthony beneath it -- along with a couple of her more diminutive exes. The high-maintenance multi-hyphenate also appears to have been attacked by both Heidi, who forced her to fashion her hair into a misguided braided updo, and dozens of wayward shower curtain rings, which have attached themselves en masse to her arms and ears.

Fashion Mocks: Would you buy clothes from this woman? On the eve of the debut runway show for Gwen Stefani's L.A.M.B. label, the pop queen-turned-designer jogs into the Fashion Rocks after-party in a black-and-white blight of a tracksuit that highlights her rock-hard abs but mocks her style savvy. While these too-comfortable, tuxedo-casual togs might be just the thing if Gwen was auditioning for the role as a hot New Jersey mob wife on "The Sopranos," or working up a sweat doing laps around the mall, they're all wrong at an event celebrating the marriage of music and fashion, and could very well lead to a quickie divorce.

Stocking Feat: When Lindsay Lohan arrived at the VMAs wearing nearly the same leopard-print gown as Gwen Stefani, she didn't panic. Instead, the resourceful teen queen pulled together an entirely new look using nothing but a jar of glitter and a couple pairs of her grandma's old pantyhose (the No Nonsense brand, judging by the look on Lindsay's face). But while this sparkly, retro-futuristic garb might be just the thing to wear while getting hit on by Captain Kirk on the bridge of the Enterprise or starring as a FemBot in an "Austin Powers" sequel, it's all wrong for the dewy starlet. The frumpy, dumpy high-necked creation is more costume than couture, and makes LiLo appear more washed out and weary than we would have thought possible for someone who's just 19. Also not helping matters are Lohan's nude lips, too dark eyebrows (seemingly stolen from Brooke Shields circa 1980) and her unwavering belief that she really does look better as a blond.

Messing in Action: With apologies to Eva Peron, don't cry for Debra Messing. The truth is her fashion sense has never left her. It just seems to be taking an extended vacation. The "Will & Grace" star's sartorial losing streak continues with a garish getup and heinous hair straight off the set of "Evita." Messing is a hot mess from the top of her severely parted, librarian-prim bun to the bottom of the stringy hem of her vertically striped smock. And her Joker-inspired lipstick and exposed, bauble-covered chest aren't doing her any favors, either. Our advice for the once bony actress: Quit listening to whatever bird-brained stylist advised you to cover up your fabulous post-baby bod beneath blobby blunders like this and don a dress that clings to every curve for dear life.

Ding-a-Ling: If this unfortunate car could talk, it would probably say, "Uh-oh, looks like I've got a smidge of skank on my hood." It's a good bet Bai Ling would attend the opening of an envelope if it gave her the chance to be photographed in clothes even working girls would deem inappropriately revealing. At the Stuff Style awards, the sometime actress strikes a typically ladylike pose in a puffer-fish-sleeved skin-baring acid-wash top, a denim micro-mini from Baby Gap, and a pleather red, white and blue belt from the Justice League's new couture line.

Forever in Blue Jeans:
In what has to be the scariest phrase since "Ashlee Simpson sings live!," we give you, "Gina Gershon zipped into a denim unitard." Shudder. It's quite an accomplishment to be the worst-dressed person at the Country Music Television awards, an event known to bring out the saddest sartorial statements this side of an "Ernest" movie, but in this "Charlie's Angels"-meets-women's prison getup, the actress pulls it off. If only Gina could pull off her constricting country-fried catastrophe, which appears to have melded itself to her body, making her hippie-ish belt with its unfortunately situated tooth-like danglers seem like major overkill. Sadly, the jumpsuit isn't the most disturbing part of Gershon's outfit. No, that honor goes to her hirsute handbag, which looks as if it was fashioned from the fuzzy head of Chewbacca.

Fur Your Thighs Only: Toni Braxton gets schizophrenic at the Soul Train Lady of Soul awards as she mixes and matches repulsive raiment from both her summer and winter wardrobes. Perhaps the shapely singer is attempting to make some sort of esoteric statement about the hot-and-cold dangers of global warming by styling an outie-exposing mesh-and-lycra cut-out swimsuit (please, for the love of all that is good and holy, never make us type that phrase again) with a heavy, floor-sweeping coat fringed with Burt Reynolds' discarded toupees. Braxton is also plagued by painfully pointy-toed white boots that should immediately be returned to the Dallas Cowboy cheerleader from whom they were borrowed and a curly copper coif last seen framing the scarily plucked eyebrows of Carrot Top.

Out of Tunic: Oh, Sandra Bullock. Where do we begin? You know we think you're just adorable, really we do. But come on, did you really think it was a good idea to wear one of Andre the Giant's custom-made tunics from "The Princess Bride" to the MTV Movie Awards? And pair it with Mini-Me's jeans? And style locks so dull and listless they could bring Tom Cruise down off his love high? We realize it must be a wee bit stressful for Sandy, at 40, to attend a high-profile ceremony crammed with nubile teen queens (not to mention her dewy ex-boyfriend, Ryan Gosling). But that's all the more reason why she should take a fashion risk and show off her fabulous face and figure, not hide them beneath ho-hum hair and so many yards of unstructured fabric that Boy Scouts could set up camp under her.

Hat's Just Wrong:
Alicia Keys is a beautiful woman with a wonderfully curvaceous figure, so why is she masking these enviable assets in this grotesque mockery of a green gown? Is she trying to emulate cleavage-addicted songbirds Mariah Carey and Christina Aguilera? Or did she tell her stylist, "Find me a wrinkled halter dress that will make my hips and thighs appear lumpier than homemade mashed potatoes"? We'll probably never know the tragic chain of events that led to this body-destroying crime of fashion (we suspect Beyoncι's designing mom was involved), but we can offer some words of advice. To wit: Skirts that cling to your body more tightly than Star Jones to Al Reynolds are a no-no; two teeny strips of fabric and some double-sided sticky tape do not a top make; and unless you're desperate for ventilation, side cutouts are always a bad idea. Oh, and Humphrey Bogart called -- he wants his fedora back.

Mechanical Difficulties:
Is it any wonder Lisa Marie Presley is giving the camera the stink eye? Heck, you'd be a little peevish, too, if you had to strike a pose to promote your latest album after putting in a long, hard day rotating tires and doing lube jobs. Elvis' little girl, who has turned her dad's patented lip curl into an off-putting pout, is worth hundreds of millions of dollars, and yet she chooses to make the scene in Dickies coveralls that can be had for around $30 at any discount uniform store. These utilitarian togs are meant for those who perform hard labor (and no, marrying Michael Jackson and Nicolas Cage doesn't count), so we suggest Lisa Marie quit trying to look like the tough girl she isn't and embrace the heiress within.

By Kat Giantis

Bad Girls: If reform schools had proms, Paris Hilton and her new best friend Kimberly Stewart would be the queens. The gruesome twosome hit the red carpet smiling with such self-satisfaction it looks like they just positioned a bucket of pig's blood over poor Nicole Richie's head. Paris, sporting a brunette coif straight from Raquel Welch's wig collection, glows in a Mountain Dew-hued Gunne Sax figure-skating frock, while Stewart defies those naysayers who claim a woman closing in on 50 can't wear slinky floral numbers. The bottle blond, whose crispy fried locks bear an alarming resemblance to dad Rod Stewart's peroxide coif, barely disturbs the fabric as she slips her flat-as-Paris'-line-readings frame into the floor-sweeping tiered number.